I have actually prayed to God that my husband would cheat on me, that he would be unfaithful so I would have a biblical reason for getting out of a marriage that I hated from time to time.
One February, my husband came home from work and said he had to tell me something. I looked at him, said ok, and had no idea what I was in for.
I was pregnant and on some mild bed rest so propped in bed, I listened, shocked as my husband told me that when we’d separated four years previously, he had a one night stand with a complete stranger and not only did he have a one night stand but he had gonorrhea.
What I learned within days of all this unfolding is I belong to a God who knew exactly what I needed.
I thought I knew my God, but I had Him in a box. It may have been a slightly bigger box than others have Him in, but none-the-less, somewhere deep, I thought He had limitations. I’m ever so thankful that God held me in a vice grip so tight I could hardly move, for months it was all I could do to just move.
Day after day, He whispered truth to me, through me reading His word, through thoughts He gave me and through a couple of women who in confidence, read scripture and prayed over me. It was the quietest I’ve ever been in my life.
Hindsight is a funny thing….Over the years, my husband has woken up with night sweats where our bed would be soaking wet, he would be very achy and get the chills, flu like symptoms. I would occasionally insist he go to the doctor and he would blow it off, he was just overworked and exhausted. Neither of us knew at the time, that it was the STD showing it’s ugly face, a consequence of sin that wouldn’t go away. My husband thought he’d had it treated four years earlier but he was wrong, it hung around like an old friend.
Now I can’t believe I ever prayed that my husband would be unfaithful, what a ridiculously low view of God and pitiful view of self I had. I was so self-centered, and though I hadn’t prayed for infidelity in quite some time, I was facing a nightmare, what I had once hoped for.
I carried on my days, pretending to most of the world everything was ok. I’d take several showers a day because in the shower, I could cry, cry really, really, hard and no one would hear me, or so I hoped. Friends would ask if I was ok and I would say that the pregnancy was just tiring me, I was emotional from hormones…the pregnancy didn’t help the little secret I was keeping.
I was terrified of a stillborn baby or of a baby with birth defects if I too had gonorrhea. My doctor explained all these and more “This far along in your pregnancy…” calmly and honestly as I sat in her office swollen eyed, tear stained and humiliated.
I went through one round of treatment, which was excruciatingly painful. A horse size needle filled w/ a think “lotion” antibiotic was syringed into both of my arms. I wasn’t sure I could drive home, my arms throbbed terribly but I got through it ok. God was showing me over and over how very self reliant I was and how He would not only be my strength, He’d be my shelter, the one I could and should rely on. This God that I’d loved for several years was in my face, showing me exactly what I needed to change, not what I “deserved” in a husband. God was dealing with me, and my own sin and would deal with my husband without my help or input.
God began showing me how I’d treated my marriage, I’d had one foot out the door of my marriage from the moment I’d said “I do”. What I meant when I said “I do” was “I might…under my terms”. Now here I was, with a man that was broken, willing to do literally anything to take this pain away and I had nothing, God just had me so quiet and emptying me of myself while filling me more and more with Him.
My faith was tested like never before, God saying to me “Do you trust me like you say you do?” and me, quietly, weakly whispering “I’ll try”. That was enough for Him, He got me through that very difficult time and continues to bring over the mountains and the valleys, small or large, whichever they may come.
If I had a friend with my story I might ask, do you trust your husband? How do you recover from something like that? My answer is that I trust a God who always wants what’s best for me, that is unchanging and never, ever lets me down. My feelings for my husband change, sometimes moment to moment, my feelings in general can change about anyone at any moment and I am so thankful that God is teaching me and refining me to be steadfast in Him and Him alone.
My husband and I have grown enormously and it’s still a work in progress. . I actually don’t think about it that often but occasionally something will remind me like a TV show, and I have to look to God to filter my emotions through Him vs. filtering Him through my emotions.
This event is not something my husband and I ever talk about, no need to now, I have forgiven him and he too has forgiven me and we’ve learned so much. I learned how much my husband needs me to need him. I’ve always been so proud (yikes) of being a strong woman and that worked against our marriage. When we separated, I basically kicked him out and he had no hope for reconciliation. I didn’t know he was hopeless, I was too busy being proud and self-reliant. I don’t even know why I kicked him out exactly, lots of stuff I guess but nothing that warranted that kind of action on my part.
Do I think his cheating is my fault? No. Could I have done a millions things better to encourage my husband and love him the way I’m called to? Absolutely. We each have to be accountable for our part and to make sure we each have both feet in the door, which most of the time, I do.
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8 The Message
Written anonymously by my brave friend.
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