Seasons

I have been thinking a lot about the different seasons of my life. When Jason and I first got married, we served students and their families. (Or at least we tried too!) I was constantly surrounded by young people and their parents. I learned SO MANY THINGS about parenting from being around parents who would say things to me like, "don't let it bother you that he wears his shoes on the wrong feet!" "Try not to get irritated when he is screaming in the car seat because the seams of his socks aren't laying perfectly." " Enjoy your time with them because they will be in high school like mine before you can blink. I promise." " Enjoy the messes, they are not that big of a deal." "Give him his own basket of toys to play with only while you are putting your make-up on so that he isn't breaking yours."  And so forth. I took these to heart and it has blessed the toddler years in our home in many ways. I am so thankful for their words of wisdom.

I also have gone through seasons in life where we had college students in our home frequently. College students are the best. They are so eager and excited to change the world. And they believe that they can. They haven't been worn down by life and they think the sky is the limit. They are so passionate about sharing their faith and they just pretty much rock. I love them.

I had a very short (ha, because we had kids so fast...), season where I promised myself I would do this and I wouldn't do that when I was a parent. Granted, I saw lots of kids in churches where the families where not as united as the front they put on.  I saw the impact many things going on inside of homes had on kids, so I did learn many things that I truly hope God uses to protect our family. But many of the things were also silly, and I have learned not to make promises like, "I will never", or "we will never," or "they will never..."  Parenting is so humbling. Oh so humbling. I love how God has taught me that yes, I am a steward of the little ones He is placed in my care, and what a tremendous blessing that is. I take it very seriously. However, at the end of the day, they belong to Him and He created them with their own wills, personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. They are not an extension of me. They are individuals and I cannot control them.

I don't know what I would call the season I am in right now. I am encouraged at the things God has for us, and I am also a little bit weary. I have come to a place where I know I am incredibly limited and I am very dependent on God's provision every day in every area of my life. I need Him. That is freeing bc I know I do not carry the weight alone, and I also need to set parameters around my life to protect myself from using my time and energy in the wrong places. I am thankful for so many things, blessed beyond measure and determined to persevere.

The beauty to me, of the seasons I speak of, is that it is so wonderful to have friends in my life who come from each place. They are so encouraging to me. It is so cool, even if it is only on fb, to see young, college-aged friends, writing things on their walls about how awesome the God they serve is. There passion is contagious. There energy is inspiring. It's so cool to see friends of mine having their first child and watching the sheer delight on their faces, the indescribable love, and the euphoria before sleep deprivation comes along. (Hee hee.)

And then to hear all the way across the spectrum to friends whose children are newly married or whose parents are elderly or have passed. It's encouraging for me to hear about the struggle that it is to let your children go and to watch them start their own families because it makes me feel normal at the struggles I had as I left my family of origin and started creating my own family.  It's a good reminder for me to remember that my parents will not always be around and I want to love them well while they are here.

I guess some things that all of these seasons have in common is that they all have beauty beyond words. Life is rich with delight and good gifts. They all have the potential of excruciating pain or loss because to love fully is also to potentially lose a whole heck of a lot. They all take work and can be dauntingly hard. And most importantly, they are all worth it. The things asked of me may be beyond my natural abilities, but my daddy in Heaven has been,  and always will be with me on the journey. Thank you Jesus.

Happy Birthday Month Jesus

Several years ago, I struggled over what Christmas would look like for our family. Being a new, young, passionate follower of Christ, I felt the American way sort of cheapened the miracles I had experienced in my life and the abundance of Christ's love. I even considered boycotting Christmas. I think there was a year that I didn't put up a tree. Granted, I had little babies and not a lot of space, but I wasn't overly concerned about not having a tree.

Santa seemed to have stole the show and I felt very uncomfortable about it. And then I had that whole mentality, of "well, aren't we supposed to celebrate Jesus everyday?" "What's the big deal about this time of year? After all, it isn't even really the right time of the year that Jesus was born." I wrestled.

I had singing Santa's, reindeer, and bears that sang about grandma getting hit by reindeer. All of it felt completely separate from something so sacred and Holy, like the birth of my Savior into the world.

One day, I remember it so vividly, I got all the Santa decor, the singing reindeer's, etc and I threw them all in the trash. It felt very drastic and I worried that I was losing it. Dylan cried when he realized his beloved toys were gone. (Thankfully he does not remember that:)). I wrote a blog posts asking for opinions and ideas and that only reiterated to me that I was a little on the crazy side, because let's face it, Santa is fun, and who wants to spoil the fun?? Why not do both? Well, I couldn't do both. It wasn't possible for me. I think I tend to be pretty extreme, it's just how God made me, maybe that's good, maybe not. Sometimes it helps me in things, and sometimes it makes things ridiculously hard.

So this year, after 7 years of making changes, it's Christmas time and I am here to tell you that I am beside myself with giddiness as I celebrate and relish in the love of my Savior. I am in love with all the beautiful Christmas lights. I could sing my heart out when I sing the lyrics to some of my favorites like, O Holy Night. The words are so rich and meaningful. I want to go places and do things to get all I can get out of the season. I want to be with my loved ones. I want to buy a few, just a few, special gifts for the people I love. I am not stressed out about buying everyone a gift, because I hope others in my life will understand that it wouldn't be wise for me to do so. But the gifts I have selected, they are simple and hopefully meaningful. I am excited about giving our kids the 3-4 presents that we picked out for each of them. I know they will enjoy them. I had good intentions to do other things, like The Jesse Tree, but I haven't quite arrived there.

My point is that Christmas feels more pure to me this year. I have a feeling it will continue evolving into something more and more beautiful for us, but this year, it just feels right. I don't hate Santa, I don't shield my kids from him or anything crazy like that, but he just really isn't a very big deal to us. And even though I worried about it, I think my kids are doing just fine without him. In fact, I know they are.

One of my friends wrote a post where she mentioned the difference between the joy of an amusement park and the joy of being in nature. It feels like that to me. I have been to several amusement parks, and they are fun, but seeing the mountains that surround Lake Tahoe, or the beaches in Hawaii, or the scenery in the hill country, reach places in my soul that cotton candy and Ferris wheels just can't quite match.

Sorry Santa, you've been outdone.

A special thanks to those who went against the current before me and gave me the courage to change.

Are you Prepared for this Battle???

I can remember sitting in Dylan and Drew's room at night praying with them when they were babies. I remember asking God, "what in the world am I supposed to pray for them??"  Being a parent is such a tremendous responsibility and I knew I wanted my kids to know Jesus, but after that, what specifics should I pray for them? What magic words could I beg God for that would set them up for lives of prosperity and success? Good lives, how could I guarantee them good lives?

Oh man, I was such a baby. God has used my kids to grow me up in more ways than one. I had to learn how to pursue God myself before I could began to ask God for the things that matter in the lives of my kids.  Prosperity and success are not those things.

When I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and He did, that was part of the process of Him teaching me that what He wants is my heart. He wants all of it.  He wants theirs and He wants yours. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

I read a book called Shepherding A Child's Heart by Ted Tripp when Dylan was a baby. It started a paradigm shift in my thinking that has helped me as they have gotten older in regards to discipline and behavior issues.

Yesterday Dylan was making me crazy. He was whining and giving me trouble with every single thing. I sent him to Sarah's room to be alone. After a few minutes I went in and checked on him. I held him in my lap and asked him if I could pray for him. I started praying and when I thanked God for making Dylan, tears started streaming down his face. When I asked Dylan why he was crying, he said it's because God didn't make him nice. He went on to tell me that God made everyone else nice, but that he wasn't nice. He said, " I am not nice to my friends, I am not nice to Sarah, I am just not nice. My heart is not nice. "

It hit me like a ton of bricks that Satan is after my son's heart. He is the thief and He is a liar and many of times, I have heard him whisper those lies in my own head. "You aren't good enough, you aren't smart, you aren't pretty. You are fat. You are out of control."

We are in a spiritual battle friends. It's real and there is an enemy who wants to control the lives of our kids. It starts young. Dylan is seven.

You see, I could have missed this way too easily. I know there are times that I do. It may have been easier to discipline Dylan and to continue demanding good behavior from him, but what I may have missed was the cry of his heart. If I only reiterate to him his shortcomings and failures, then Satan has the advantage.  Dylan needed someone to hear his heart, he needed someone to tell Him the true things of God's word, and to teach Him to battle those lies on His own when I am not there to do it for him.

We are in a spiritual battle and whether we acknowledge it or not, Satan is after our kids. We have to stand strong for them. We have to equip them to engage in this battle and to fight for the one true God. Join me in pursuing the hearts of our children, will you?

We are going to be studying the armor of God now as part of our school day. This is me holding myself accountable by telling you all. I am going to order this book and I printed this picture off the Internet today. Then I wrote in the armor of God. I had Dylan help me pick out the coolest picture we could find because I didn't want it to be some cheesy cartoon character. I wanted it to look tough and masculine. When I printed it out and asked the boys what the knight was about to be doing, Drew said, "he is going to fight in a battle." Dylan said, "he is going to look so cool and all of the girls are going to want to kiss him!!!" WHAT?!?! I am SO not ready for that kind of talk!! Sigh. ( I am reminding myself that it is also God's plan and design for a man to marry a woman, and this is a natural thing, but God help me to tone it down for a while!! Oh, how I want to protect their hearts for their spouses, I digress...).

I am also stealing some explanations from this picture, although this is exactly the kind of picture that I don't want...

It's hard to see, but if you click on it, the explanations are great, and short and concise. I tend to ramble so that's helpful for me.

Speaking of rambling...I think I am doing so now...I hope this encourages someone and please pray for me and my kids as well if you think about it! We can't fight this battle alone, we need each-other!

Love,

Love Sets Us Apart

The most recent season of my life could be summed up in learning how to receive God's love and walk in the freedom that comes with that. My little girl has been a big part of that, she teaches me so much about my father's love for me. Another way to put it would be to say that I am setting aside my pursuit of perfection and resting in Gods love above all. I mess up. I mess up a lot. I bet you do too. In fact, I am certain that you do because Jesus says so.

We live in a fallen, broken world, and we are fallen, broken people.

So what's the point of following Christ? Is it so I can become a perfect, well-liked, polished-up christian? And the longer I follow Jesus, the more I will have it all together? I think I used to believe that. I had good intentions, but the weight of it all got to be overwhelming. And Jesus teaches that his yoke is light. So something was off, and bc God loves me so much, He wasn't willing to let me keep living that way. If you are a christian, and your load feels heavy, ask God to show you why.

I look at the world of religion and pharisees and it's no surprise that so many people in the world do not want anything to do with Christianity. The two get confused with each other. Religion teaches that you have to get it all right and you have to know all the answers. Religion causes arguments between believers over silly, unnecessary things. Yes, sometimes as a follower of Christ, you will be asked by the Lord to make hard decisions that are counter-cultural and that will cause drifts. That's a fact. But when Jesus asks us to make hard decisions, it isn't so that we can look around at those around us and talk about how what I am doing is right and what you are doing is wrong. That's not pretty. It isn't attractive and it certainly isn't love.

The thing is that you might be in a place where God has healed you of any desire to choose the wrong thing in one area of life that He hasn't healed me of yet. And I might be at a place in my life where I don't struggle with the things that you struggle with. When we start comparing those things and pointing fingers at each other, it's leads to insecurity and division. And no one is drawn to that. No one wants to be judged by their every move. Yes, we are to be wise and discerning, especially about who we go to for advice and who we are being influenced by, (ie. *don't take money advice from broke people...), but that's different than comparing and yelling about silly things. 

Christians, lets quit arguing about things that don't matter. Let's take stands in our own personal lives. Let's choose to throw away the alters in our lives. Let's quit worshiping things that we were never intended to worship. And let's do it because we love Jesus and we are desperately seeking Him in everything we do. Not so that we can puff ourselves up and show everyone else how "good" we are. We live for an audience of one. Jesus Christ is our judge. He is the only one who knows our hearts and who has the place to decide if what we are doing is acceptable or not. And I am so honored and humbled to say that I know without a doubt, He rewards faithful obedience, even if no-one else notices. Thank you Jesus. I love you.

*quote from Dave Ramsey

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Eight

Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires.
Matthew 5:10

If I could sum up chapter 8 in one sentence, it would be this quote from the book.

God is bigger than anyone who hurts you. (or anything that has hurt you.) No matter what other people have done to you, God can recycle it and use it for good. God never wastes a hurt. But you can waste it, if you don't learn from it and share it. Others will be blessed and encouraged if you share the problems and struggles you've gone through. God can and will use your pain to help others, if you let Him.

(I added "or anything that hurts you" because sometimes life just hurts, pain is not always tied up in another person.)

I can't think of much worse than bottling up the things God has done for me and keeping it to myself. That's not how He works, and I certainly don't want to live that way. In fact, the only reason that I can think of keeping hurts, habits, and hang-ups completely to myself would be for the sake of keeping my pride and reputation in tact. I am almost over worrying about what people think of me. I am getting closer and closer to the point of only caring about the glory God receives, and less about myself receiving glory. The truth is that I don't ever want people to think that my faith, or my relationship with Jesus is any more sacred than the relationship that is available to all of us. I am nothing special. Well, I am special because I am a daughter of the king, but that is the only reason.  Jesus has freed me from things and he continues to and anything good that comes from me is only because of the work he is doing in me.

So like I said, I am almost to the point of not caring what other people think of me. But I have not arrived.  I have shared some on here and with friends, and I have gone to DEEP places with some people, but I thought surely that wouldn't happen again.  At least not anytime soon. But I was wrong. As I prayed about who God would have me recycle my pain for and share my story with, he pretty clearly brought a certain woman to my mind. I called her today and I just have to say that He is so faithful and so amazing.

I called my friend, not sure exactly what I would say, or exactly what I would share, but the conversation just flowed so naturally and she said to me, "it is so amazing that you called me today and are speaking to me about the thing that has been such a burden to me here lately."  Wow. Our stories are similar and I knew they were, but I didn't know how similar. We were able to encourage each other and now we can walk alongside each other as we heal from the pain in our pasts. Recycling pain. Beautiful. Amazing. Worth it.

I also want to REDUCE pain by sharing my story.  Because friends, doing things that God says not to do always, always, ALWAYS has a price tag. And it's not because He is a mean God, it's because He is an extremely loving God. So if you are choosing to live outside of God's will right now...STOP!!! Please, please, please. Seek God. Turn your life around and begin the path to healing. I know it is so hard to take that first step, and I know it's sometimes easier to stay in the land of what's comfortable and known, but in the end...IT"S NOT EASIER. And it's not worth it!! Sin always has a price, and you never know how much that price will be or how long it will haunt you. And if you are a parent, you never know what YOUR sin will cost your kids. Don't fool yourself and think you can separate them from it.  Believe me, I am paying the price for sin that was in my life many, many years ago and my hurts, habits, and hang-ups do not just effect me. They effect everyone that is close to me.

...and that, my friends, is the end of this book, but the beginning of a healthier life for me! Thank you for joining me!!

Choice 8
Yield myself to God to be used to bring this good news to others, both by my example and by my words.


Recap of the previous beatitudes that we have covered...

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them! (This is about acknowledging our need for God.)

Happy are those who mourn; God will comfort them! (This isn't just about crying, it's about crying OUT TO GOD!!)

Happy are those who are humble; they will receive what God has promised. (This is about acknowledging that we are not in charge of the universe, Jesus is. It's about surrendering to Him.)

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires; God will satisfy them fully.  (This is the continual, life-long choice to always seek after what God desires.)

Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them. ( Choosing to forgive because God has forgiven us, resentment doesn't work, and in the future I will need forgiveness.)

Happy are the pure in heart; they will see God. (Confess your deepest regrets, fears, and concerns to safe people. Satan likes to keep our secrets in the dark and that is where they grow!! Light exposes darkness for what it is and makes it dissipate!)

Happy are those who work for peace; God will call them his children. (Let's quit feeling entitled and causing bickering!! Let it go!! Strive for peace in your marriage, in your relationships, at your work, etc.!)



The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Seven

Can I just be honest? For some reason, I am having a really hard time recapping this chapter and what it has meant to me. It's so huge that I am tempted to elaborate way too much, and yet it is so simple that I feel like I could just write two sentences and be done with it.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Matthew 5:6

Reading my bible has changed me in many ways. Studying my bible has opened my eyes to a whole new world. Living out what I read in my bible has given me confidence. Finding others who believe the same things I believe has given me courage. Stepping out in faith has helped me to believe with total confidence that God's word really is true, no matter what my feelings are. Having a husband who loves the Lord, and others in my life who love the Lord, has caused me to hold fast when I've thought about throwing in the towel.  All of these together have been a safety net of a sort for my life, and I need them all because life is hard, and God didn't ask me to follow him in a vacuum .

As a baby christian, I knew so little of what it meant to live a life that was pleasing to the Lord. I had no idea how to develop a relationship with my father in heaven who loves me so much. So many times, I think we have been failed, and we fail others when we tell them that the "secret" to knowing God and to living a life of freedom is just to "read your bible and pray." Yes, reading God's word, and talking to Abba father are so critical to our lives as Christians. But this book, (Life's Healing Choices, which is a exposition of the beatitudes), is full of such a few powerful, yet life-changing truths that I believe will continue to equip me in the future, and that I hope to share with others as they are learning how to be freed from the things in life that constantly hold them down.

So I will share one thing that has changed for me since I started reading this book and meditating on these scriptures. Here recently, I have been freed from some things of my past that I think were causing me to be at this place where I was ready to attack and fire back when and if I started to feel threatened. Anger was my cue. In the past, I think I would just go with it and get way too riled up about whatever the mishap was. Now, I am watching myself get a little upset about something, but then I can take a step back, ask myself why I am feeling angry, and then I evaluate if whatever it is really is worth getting so upset about. 99.9% of the time, it isn't. Maybe something bothered me, but lately, I can just address that one little issue, without being all bent out of shape, and then just leave it be no matter the outcome, without getting all mad and defensive. It's beautiful.  And the issue can be the issue, instead of the hundred other issues that I had never dealt with. 

So how can I know that I will continue in this pattern? How do I know that this won't be just a season and then I will forget and go right back to where I was??

That's where chapter seven comes in,  it's about maintaining momentum and here is the truth, the second I start thinking I have got this in the bag, well that will be and is the second I fall on my face again. God has me in this sweet place right now, and the only way I can stay in this place of freedom, is if I continually stay connected to Him.  Staying connected to Him (through the ways I mentioned above...), maintaining momentum, and preventing relapses is my goal. A relapse for me is just going back to that yucky place where my heart is not in tuned to His and I get more and more pulled by the world and the things it has to offer (ie. false security, false ways of feeling accepted and loved, selfishness, being a consumer, etc.).

One really cool tool that Chapter 7 provided was this...it's an emotional check.

H- am I hurting?
E- am I exhausted?
A- am I angry?
R- do I have resentment?
T-  do I have tension?

I can go through this little check real quickly and pinpoint what's going on in my heart when I am feeling off. I love it.  Quick and simple.

Choice Seven
Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.

Recap of the previous beatitudes that we have covered...

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them! (This is about acknowledging our need for God.)

Happy are those who mourn; God will comfort them! (This isn't just about crying, it's about crying OUT TO GOD!!)

Happy are those who are humble; they will receive what God has promised. (This is about acknowledging that we are not in charge of the universe, Jesus is. It's about surrendering to Him.)

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires; God will satisfy them fully.  (This is the continual, life-long choice to always seek after what God desires.)

Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them. ( Choosing to forgive because God has forgiven us, resentment doesn't work, and in the future I will need forgiveness.)

Happy are the pure in heart; they will see God. (Confess your deepest regrets, fears, and concerns to safe people. Satan likes to keep our secrets in the dark and that is where they grow!! Light exposes darkness for what it is and makes it dissipate!)

Happy are those who work for peace; God will call them his children. (Let's quit feeling entitled and causing bickering!! Let it go!! Strive for peace in your marriage, in your relationships, at your work, etc.!)

 

(Sorry if this is all over the place, again, I am having a hard time recapping this one!!)

Why I Keep Drinking the Pine Cove Kool-Aid

The first year I went to PC, I cried when we got home. I cried because my experience at PC was so wonderful and I did not want to abandon the wonderful things that I had experienced there. Over the years, I have tried to put my finger on what is so wonderful about it and these are a few conclusions I have come to.

1. Prayer.
Everything about PC has been prayed over and is being prayed over the entire time. God's presence is so tangible and evident at PC.

2. Real Community.
The relationships and community that I have experienced at PC are amazing. Everyone is there for similar reasons and we all share the same desire to connect with our families, with God, and sometimes with each other, ( I mention the last part, because sometimes I have been there with no energy to "reach" out to anyone outside of my family, yet God still provides those relationships and connections. It's a beautiful thing.)

2. Worship.
While at PC, there are no outside distractions, and everything is done with a heart of worship. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." This is true at PC. Everything is intentional and the grounds become a haven.

3. Servanthood
One of the things I have learned through PC is that to be a servant of Christ doesn't mean to serve only when it is convenient or easy. The students in particular at PC serve the heck out of the families there. And they work HARD. They work LONG hours and the entire time, you never see them serving without a smile on their faces, and/or begrudgingly. They have loved on my kids, served us countless meals, and offered encouragement through who they are in more ways than I could ever count.

4. Vulnerability.
PC has been a safe place for me to share with others about the struggles we have endured. I have received love and rest there.  I have heard more men and women be vulnerable with their hearts in the large group sessions than I have ever heard probably in my life. It is amazing to hear the challenges other families are enduring and then to see God work in mighty ways as they share and are open to prayer and/or help.  At the end of the week, there are opportunities to share what God has done, and it is so amazing. I have seen marriages redeemed, I have seen people get saved, I have learned MIGHTY lessons myself, and I have heard testimonies that would rock anyone's world.

5. Fun.
Jason and I have so much FUN with our kids when we are at PC. It is a chance to be set up for many, many opportunities to do nothing else but have fun with the kids. They make it easy and available, all you have to do is take the bait.  Boat rides, horse rides, zip lines, ice cream and late-night snacks, swimming, skits, games and fishing are just the first few that come to the top of my mind.

6. Challenges.
I have seen my kids overcome fears and take opportunities to be brave and courageous while at PC. I think it is because it is a safe environment and the kids sense that.

7. Generational Lines.
At PC,  college-aged kids hang out with babies, preschoolers, parents, and grandparents...and every other combination. Everyone at camp becomes a true family and the bonds that are made have made an incredible impression on my kids, and on myself. I have seen the value of spending time with not just my peers, but with people of all different ages and walks of life at PC. 

8. Refreshment and Focus
Every year at PC is an opportunity for Jason and I to step back and evaluate the direction of our family. It is also a chance to refocus and get back on track if we need to.  We also receive training and instruction for our marriage and as parents.  Every year, I walk away with truth(s) more deeply ingrained into my heart, and with tangible ways to walk them out.

As I step back from PC, I realize that PC does a good job of painting a picture of what the church, the body of Christ, should look like. This is my dream for what every church should look like, and I think it is a glimpse of what heaven will look like.

http://www.pinecove.com/

Lifes Healing Choices- Choice Six

Happy are those who are merciful to others.
Happy are those who work for peace.
Matthew 5: 7 and 9

So this week, as I cracked open the book, I am not going to lie... I was kind of like, "ok, I'm ready to move on to a different thing." BUT I embraced the book and my sweet friend must have been feeling the same thing when she prayed, "God, help us to finish this strong and not fizzle out!!" She read my mind!

The bottom line of this chapter for me was this. I need to be a forgiving person. All the time. No matter what. Why?? Because God forgave me, because resentment doesn't work, and because one day in the future, I will need forgiveness.

Sometimes I try to make this more confusing than it is, but it's really pretty simple. Here is a tricky part. Allowing myself to forgive means acknowledging wrongdoings and oftentimes, denial is easier. BUT denial is a prison.

I realize I am not elaborating much but that's just kind of where I am at right now.

In the beginning of this book, I examined my past and realized some ways that I was in the wrong for things that are a part of my past. Things that I had never asked forgiveness for. I struggled because I didn't want to open up old wounds and I didn't want to be a deterrence to the other parties involved. God so graciously showed me that I can ask for forgiveness without anyone else knowing IF it is a situation where that is the most effective. So that's what I did. I am forgiven.  Thank you Jesus.

All this to say, when I got to the assignment part of this chapter, I kind of felt like I already had done it, but I am still open to God showing me other things that may need to be addressed if necessary.

One last note, forgiveness is a constant, fluid, way of living. Every day I can choose to forgive and overlook offenses, or I can be Ms. Super Sensitive and take every little thing personally. I choose the latter. (You might have to remind me of this on some days!!) But that truly is my desire.

Choice Six
Evaluate all of my relationships.
Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me, and make amends for harm I have done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

Choice One
Choice Two
Choice Three
Choice Four

The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Five

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.
Matthew 5:6

Wahoo!! Chapter five is my favorite so far!! (Have I said that already about previous chapters?!)

So now that I have peeled back a few layers into examining my hurts, habits, and hang-ups, it's time to declare truth through scripture over those areas of my life.  With the help of the Lord, I have identified some of my issues and now, I need God's help to retrain my mind so that I can be free from those reactions and/or ways of thinking.

A friend worded it like this, she said, we can choose to ignore the junk that goes on within our hearts/minds, and we can choose to pretend that we have it all together by continuing to make the outside look pretty, or we can deal with the hard things that are in our hearts and find healing and truth through the hope of Jesus.

So this week, I got out some note-cards and wrote scriptures that are near and dear to my heart. On the back of each card, I wrote how that specific truth of God applies directly to MY life on a daily basis. In the mundane, seemingly small parts, of my life and in the big parts of my life. And the assignment is to read over the cards every morning and every night and allow my mind to be transformed by God's word. I am excited about this because I know how powerful it is to continuously be washed by the word. 

It's funny bc these same scriptures have been posted on my walls over the years, and as soon as I stop focusing on God's truth, my mind is swayed by other influences and I forget what God says about me and about my life. I am like a kid, I need CONSTANT reminders!! I keep hoping one day I will have this life figured out, but I am also becoming more and more ok with the fact that I never will, and that I think the biggest "secret" to a happy life is to continuously stay plugged into My God and Savior and the truths that I have access to through scripture.


Choice Five-
Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

God, please continue peeling away the junk in my life and removing the character traits in me that are ugly. Please replace them with more of you and your spirit. I don't want to be a source of discouragement for others in my life, but I want to be used by you to bring hope, joy, and peace into the life's of my family and friends and I know I can't do it when I am wrapped up in myself. Help me Jesus. I love you, Amen.


Choice One
Choice Two
Choice Three
Choice Four

The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Four

Blessed are those who are pure in heart, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:8

Chapter four was a little in my face. I wasn't too excited about it at all the first time I read through it. However, I decided to stick to the course and do what was asked of me.

First I want to mention that I believe everyone's outcome of this chapter, and the book for that matter, would be very different from the next person. This was just my take on it.

The biggest "assignment" that chapter four involved was taking a personal inventory of my life, both the good and the bad. They recommend this little chart and I did it exactly how the book asked of me because quite frankly I didn't have any idea where to start if I were to do it any other way. I struggled with the whole idea because I know that every sin of mine is forgiven. I also know that I do not have to live chained down to the things of my past. Therefore, I hesitated to even go there in the slightest bit. But again, I followed the directions:).  Immediately I realized that there are things in my past that although I have repented of, and I have asked for forgiveness, it still brought on feelings of shame and condemnation for me to think about some of the stuff.  There are some things from my life "before Christ" that I realized still haunted me a little and that I would prefer for no-one else to ever know about. However, along comes with that a feeling of secrecy, and of potentially being found out and I don't think God wants me to live that way. I'm not going to hash out the details on here, but I did do so with my friend who is walking through this book with me. It was amazing.

Another component of the chart was to write in a section what the "effect" of said event was.  As I looked over the "effect" section of my chart, the progression of things was astounding. I believe if I do not take away anything else from this chapter, this in and of itself was enormous. Most of my stuff is encompassed with broken relationships. In the beginning, the broken relationships caused me to be a little less vulnerable and a little less trustworthy. It progressed to things like "lack of emotions", "feeling alone, isolated, and weird", and "contempt towards emotions." Crazy. So at the bottom of my 3 page chart, when I got to silly little "offenses" that happened within the last few years, my responses to the broken relationships were all the way to the most desperate place instead of at the top where I was shaken up just a little and feeling a little less trustworthy.

Here is what is huge. I feel like God is showing me that His desire is to break down those walls and to restore my heart to a place of vulnerability and purity. He wants to heal me and bring me to a place where I can trust HIM with childlike faith that never waivers. My trust was never meant to be put solely in the relationships around me, but it was meant to be in Him.  With my trust, foundation, and identity found completely in Him, I can withstand the risks that come with being in healthy, honest relationships with others.

Let me end with this. I allowed God to be in control of my life when I turned 20 years old. Had I not, my life would be completely different than it is now. My life is not perfect right now, but I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me so well, I have 3 precious kids, and most importantly, I know that I am a child of the king of the universe. I know I have a daddy in Heaven who loves me and who pursues me every single day. That is amazing and it gives me hope in this hard, hard world.

I fall short every day. I make mistakes every day and I get off track, but because God loves me so much, He always forgives me and pulls me back close to Him.

My parents are the only ones in my family heritage who are still married, and it is only by the grace of God. I have a long line of divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, and so forth in my family and I am certain that I would be right there in that lifestyle to this day had it not been for my mighty God who saved me. I had a huge hole in my heart that I was seeking every where for someone or something to fill, and thankfully God showed me that it was Him I was looking for before the damage I did to myself was irreversible. I don't care what your family tree looks like, or how far you feel like you are from the Lord, He is ready to forgive you and to comfort you. He is ready to equip you to move out of a life of desperation and into a life of hope. He did it for me. I am so thankful and I am so thankful for this chapter and for the reminder that I don't have to be ashamed of who I used to be or of the things I have done in my life. They are forgiven and what's equally amazing to me is that God is REDEEMING my past. He is taking the ugly parts of my life and making them into something beautiful, BUT He can only do that when I am honest enough with myself and with others to let those things be exposed and not hidden in a corner of my life.

Choice Four
Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Choice One
Choice Two
Choice Three

The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Three

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:5

As I read through this chapter, I found myself thinking, "this is great. this is REALLY good stuff especially for those who have not put their faith and trust in Jesus Christ, but I have. I did 10 years ago, so how does this apply to me NOW?"

And God answered...are you ready??? Turn the lights down and get ready for something spectacular...!!!

He said, "now get on with it!!"  I believed that Christ was my savior, and have believed it for 10 years, I have trusted that He has good things for me, and that He is enabling me to live a righteous life, and currently  He is showing me all of these lies I believed, He is replacing them with His truths, and now he is telling me to "believe Him and get on with it!!!"

So let me back up. These are a few of the lies I believed.

Lie 1. I am your father in heaven and I want you to work for me now. Get out there and make me proud!!

Replaced with, " I have loved you with an everlasting love. I am proud of you because you are mine. I made you and I remember what you are made of. Your "shortcomings" are no surprise to me and I am NOT keeping a tally of them, they are NOT what defines you."

Jeremiah 31:3; Isaiah 43:1; Genesis 2:7; Romans 8:1

Lie 2. You are not safe and you must protect yourself at all times.

Replaced with, " I am your protector. You will never be and you NEVER WERE alone. I have been with you all along, eager to comfort you. Come to me and I WILL comfort you. Yes, I gave you a brain to set boundaries with, but some things are/were out of your control and even then, especially then, I AM WITH YOU. "

 Psalm 68:5; Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 5:4

Lie 3. Don't let others see the REAL you. Don't let them see the ways you fall short and/or the fears you have in your heart because then you will be unlovable and no one will like you or want to keep you in their lives.

Replaced with, "I see the real you. You are covered in the blood of Christ. I see your heart and I think it is beautiful. I made that heart remember. I know your fears, I know your vulnerabilities and they do not intimidate me in the least bit. Please share them with me. And please find safe sisters in Christ to share them with as well bc they aren't going to leave you either.  In fact, your vulnerabilities might make them feel a little more comfortable with their own. EVEN if everyone else abandons you though, even if, I NEVER WILL. And even if every single one of your "secrets" are exposed, it WILL NOT change your identity. Your identity is in me and in me ALONE.

Isaiah 43:1; 2 Corinthians 5:7-12; 2 Corinthians 5:17

SO, I am believing Christ Jesus for what He says to be true. I am clinging to these promises and I am "getting on with it already!!"

Thank you Jesus.

One last thing that God showed me through various avenues was that I forgot to let him hold me, and I went straight to the helping me part. I never dealt with the hurts, habits, and hang-ups from my past. I just pushed right through them. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps if you will, and went straight ahead. God has brought me through a precious season where I am reminded to let him ALWAYS hold me first. That's His hearts desire. Then and only then, can He help me in a way that stands the test of time.

Choice Three
 Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.


Life's Healing Choices -Choice One
Life's Healing Choices- Choice Two

also. don't forget to check out our church's website to hear Marty and Jason preach on this series, based on the beatitudes. 

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Two

Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Choice one wasn't a very FUN chapter for me to go through. This book is actually coming into my life in God's most perfect, incredible timing. I have been processing some stuff for months now, and I believe going through this book, is going to help me in knowing what to do with the "junk" in my life. It is really so much bigger than this book, it's the message of the gospel, however, the words in this book, and the message that I am hearing thus far is one of redemption and revival.

For the past ten years of my life, since I surrendered my life to the Lord, I have gone full-fledged into "serving Him" mode. I think I realized that I belonged to a daddy in Heaven who wanted me and who had a purpose for me, and so my response for Him was to work for Him and to never stop showing Him how thankful I was/am for the things He has saved me from. My life would be very different right now if it weren't from the crazy-style intervention that God worked in my life when I was 20 years old.

With that said, I haven't really slowed down. Or stopped. I married a pastor, we had 3 kids in 5 years, we moved several times, we worked on staff at several churches, and you better believe, I have been "doing MY best" all this time to "make God PROUD." I want Him to be proud of me. I love Him, and I have found a lot of ways through scripture that I know are pleasing to Him. I have learned a lot about what it means to be a "good" wife and to be a good mom, I have read every book, I have gone to conferences, I have sought Goldy council, and the list goes on. And you better believe I have given it my absolute best. All of these things are good things, I am not saying they aren't.

However, when I got sick, I felt like the rug was PULLED OUT FROM UNDER ME. I felt WORTHLESS. I was so disappointed bc I felt God had showed me how to make Him proud, and now that I couldn't,  now what? How was I still going to be lovable? How was I going to keep my family afloat? How was I going to raise Godly offspring? How would I be a helper and an encouragement to my spouse? How could I serve in the church? How could I love my neighbors when I couldn't get out of bed and/or when I couldn't do much more than survive. Much less, be active and engaged in my life that God had blessed me with. That's when I hit rock bottom. And I am so thankful.

God showed me in that place that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do or not do that would make Him love me any more or less. He wasn't going to stop being proud of me and He was NEVER, EVER going to leave my side. Even if everyone else did. (Which to those of you who didn't, thank you. You have blessed me more than I could ever, ever communicate to you. Many of you are my faithful blog readers:))

With all of this being said, God is rebuilding me right now. And He is doing it with my foundation being made anew. My foundation is that I am loved and cherished by Jesus Christ. I am a child of the king and NOTHING can ever shake or change that. (If you have believed in Jesus Christ, the same goes for you by the way.)

God has revealed to me many hurts, habits, and hang-ups that I have. And they aren't pretty at all. I have grieved my sin. I have grieved the ways that I have tried to be in control of my life and the ways that I have refused to let God comfort me. I have pushed some things so far from the surface that I didn't give God the free reign to free me and release me from my past. Some of it 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, all the way up to 2 years ago.

It has been painful to bring things back to the surface, but in the company of beloved, trusted, sisters of mine, I have given so many things back up to my daddy.

He's got it now. I have given it all back to Him, and I refuse to believe that I can heal myself, or help myself any longer. I can't. I need God everyday. And I PRAISE Him because he cares enough for me that those things matter to Him.  And in His kindness and goodness, He alone is big enough to give me the strength and power to overcome my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Daddy.

I love you.

Choice Two
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Ps. I prayed years ago that God would help me feel comfortable calling Him "daddy." He answered.

Pss. Please see The Crossing's website to hear Marty and Jason as they preach on the beatitudes, (the scriptures that this book is based on). It will bless your socks off. Truly.

Life's Healing Choices- Choice One

Life's Healing Choices- Choice One

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.
Matthew 5:3

I have had a few hard blows in this short lifetime of mine. Who hasn't?  In the past, I have allowed those "blows" if you will, to suck the life out of me at times.  I have watched myself sort of self-destruct and go into my own little vacuum where all I can think about it the "suffering" that I am enduring. As I come out of those seasons, I am always thankful for the things God teaches me, and I am also always so frustrated with myself that I can get so distracted from being the wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend that God has called me to be.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in grief, and I believe in staring pain right in the face while allowing it to penetrate every fiber of my being. But I don't like staying there. And I especially do not like staying there if it involves neglecting my husband and kids because I am too consumed with myself. I always regret it and feel more happiness when I choose to focus my energy on being a blessing instead of looking for what I can get out of life.

So when I started chapter one of Life's Healing Choices, I sort of made a deal with God. I told Him I would go through this book, but I refused to go into crisis mode. I refused to be broken to a point that I neglected those around me.

I think He laughed at me when I told Him that. 

So as I journeyed through chapter one, I have journaled and shared with my accountability partner, I have cried, I have prayed, and I have asked God for forgiveness and healing. And I will continue to confess the sins of my heart to trustworthy sources and I will continue to seek healing and restoration in my heart, mind, body, and spirit. My journey is far from over.

BUT one thing God  has shown me through this is that to be "spiritually poor" does not mean to go into crisis mode so much that I am consumed in my own little pity party. Not at all. It is simply an acknowledgement of how much I miss the mark and how far off I am from "doing all the things I want to do, and from being who I want to be" when I try and do life without Jesus. I have a track record of sin in my life. We all do. And even though my track record BEFORE Jesus looks different than my track record of sin AFTER Jesus in my life, it's technically all the same. It's falling short. It's living in my sin nature. And I continuously do it. I continuously do the things I do not want to do. And that is the definition of being spiritually poor. It's acknowledging that apart from Christ, I can do nothing. I need Jesus every second of every day to live this life as He has called me to.  Everything I do is not so that I can boast and say, "Look at me!! I am an awesome Christian, I've got this thing in the bag!!" Nope, not at all.  Everything that I do and everything that I am is because Christ is working within me and through me. Period. He gets all the glory. In my own strength, I am spiritually POOR, and I know it. Thank you God.

Choice One

I admit that I am powerless to control 

my tendency to do the wrong thing 

and that my life is unmanageable.

Our church is working through Life's Healing Choices, starting today at The Crossing. We have books on sale on Sunday mornings for $5. I am excited about this journey and I invite you to join us!

Dear Mommy

Dear Mommy,

Thank you so much for giving me food when I am hungry. You bless my body and my spirit in many ways through the physical sustenance that you give to me.  

Thank you so much for giving me something to drink when I am thirsty. How would I have the water that sustains me if it wasn't for you?

Thank you so much for welcoming me into your heart and into your life when I was a tiny, unknown, helpless baby. I was a stranger to the world, and to you, and you embraced me fully.

Dear Mommy, thank you so much for clothing me. Your protect me with your cloths. 

Thank you so much for taking care of me when I am sick. Thank you for giving me the things that I need to get well.

Dear Mommy, thank you so much for keeping a close eye on my heart. Thank you for praying for me and for helping me to navigate the terrains of life. Thank you for begging Jesus to give me a life of freedom.

Derived from Matthew 25: 35, 36

Dear Daughter,

Please know that when you do these things to the least of these, to those who are overlooked in the world, for their lack of so-called value, arrival in prestige, and/or contribution to society, please know that you did it for me. 

With Love,

Your Father in Heaven.

Derived from Matthew 25: 40

Knowing My Limits II

I am currently clearing off my plate and putting my health, my God, and my family as my priority.

I am learning to live within my limitations and to not do it begrudgingly, but to be thankful for the ways God is teaching me. As much as I believe it intellectually, it is such a hard concept for me to grasp that God is not interested in all the things that I can do for Him, but He is interested in me being fully devoted to Him. More than anything I can give Him, He just wants to live in an intimate relationship with me. I believe the rest will flow from that, but it cannot and will not work any other way.  (Another thing is that I am a recovering people pleaser, and it's hard to please others when I am at home!)

What does this look like practically? I am staying home a lot more and I am allowing myself one "big" thing a day. Maybe that "big" thing is going to the grocery store with the kids in tow. Maybe it is taking the kids swimming. Maybe it is having Group at our house on Tuesday evenings, or maybe it is going to a dinner that is being put on to raise funds for my precious friends.

No matter what that "one" thing is, the rest of the day is committed to taking care of myself and of my family. Making sure we all have clean clothes, putting three meals on the table (healthy ones as often as possible), sitting with Dylan on the couch and having him read a book to me. Rolling on the floor with Sarah listening to her belly laugh and squeezing her soft skin! Doing math flashcards over lunch, and reading a story from the bible over dinner. Little things that seem so simple, but that go so far.  Those little things that get squeezed out when I choose to fill my life with busyness, even "good" busyness.

Homeschooling starts for us in about a month and I am nervous about that, but I love the freedom and flexibility that it allows.

One of the things I have noticed is that staying home gives my kids the freedom to be kids. When we choose to be on the go, they are sort of left with no freedom to be creative. They are forced to engage with the world around them that constantly has millions of distractions fighting for their attention. When we stay home, they get out their stuffed animals and give them haircuts. They build hide-outs and shoot the enemies that are encroaching on them. They pretend that the rails on the staircase are the barricades from the bad guys and they have their toy guns lined up prepared for battle. They take hour long baths with their sister. They freeze toys in cups and then have so much fun defrosting their creations in the bathtub. They build lego towers. They watch super hero shows and they cuddle with me on the couch.  It's good. It's really good.

I think God knows what we need more than I do, who would have thought?? ;)  Looking forward to a season of focus and recovery.  (Oh, and we got a new mattress today that I am soooo excited about! I am hoping it will help my body feel a little less achy as well:))

Blessings friends. Thank you so much for all the love and support that you guys give me.

Knowing My Limits

So I am still venturing through the unknown trying to figure out what it looks like to manage fibromyalgia and how to live a lifestyle that is productive for it.  I keep coming back to the same thing God has been teaching me since the day I became a mom. Man, why am I so hard-headed??

I remember reading several years ago from a fellow mommy blogger that every mom has their very own unique levels of energy and that it is important for us to realize where we are on the spectrum and to learn to live within our bounds. I  loved hearing that because I have always felt guilty for not being able "to do more." I want to be the mom that takes meals to every hurting family, I want to watch other peoples kids so that the parents can care for sick spouses or children, I want to teach in all the classes and I want to be a good friend to all the other moms and wives out there because I know we all need each other. I want to have a beautifully decorated and clean house, but more than that, I want people to feel welcomed and loved when they come in my house. And I want them here. The list goes on.

For as long as I can remember though, I have always gotten tired very easily. When I was a kid, my mom would take me shopping for clothes and I was always miserable because I would get so tired! I would get grumpy and mad, and I would tell her that I just wanted to go home and take a nap because I was too tired. Then when I was a flight attendent, I was working with women who were 10, 20, sometimes 30 years older than me. We would work the same exact schedule for 1-4 days together and at the end of every day, I would often be so tired that I felt like it was physically beyond me to walk from the airplane to the hotel shuttle. For real. It was ridiculous. I would be in the van on the way to the hotel and I would just sit there quietly anxiously waiting to collapse in my room, while my co-workers were planning what they were going to do when we got to our hotel.  I didn't understand how they had all this energy left in them.

Then I became a mom, and the exhaustion went to a whole other level. Why could I not "go, go, go" like everyone else does? Why is taking care of the basic needs of our family enough to max me out. How can all these other moms go strong all day long with their kids in tow and still have the energy not to fall asleep at the wheel??

So here I am now and I deal with not only the tiredness, but my body screams at me when I push myself beyond my limits even in the tiniest bit.

All of this leads to where I am today...which I think might be a whole other post...:)

To be continued...

Summah!!

We are having such a fun summer. We have been making up for lost time bc last summer was sort of a wash. My awesome mommy bought my sister and I, and our kids, season passes and we have successfully managed to go once a week. Whew. It's been exhausting, but we are having a blast and the boys are trying all kinds of new things. I'm beginning to feel as though I am reliving my childhood with my kiddos and I am truly appreciating the different seasons. For so long, every season of the year was the same in my house in regards to our schedule. Now, I have TWO who will be in school next year and that just blows my mind. The school year demands schedules, early bedtimes, etc. But for now, we are having lots of fun in the sun!!

Jason is taking EMT classes and it's fun to listen to him learn about how to respond in emergency situations. It makes me thankful that he will have that stuff tucked away while we are raising our children. The opportunity arose because he is part of the local chaplaincy program and it was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. And true to his style, he is making A's and kickin butt. Even though it is more of a challenge because this is way out of his expertise.

The boys are enrolled in a local homeschool co-op and I am so excited to be a part of a larger group doing school together. We will meet together once a week and then the rest of the days, we will do school in the comfort of our home:). Accountability and the structure this will provide was something that was really hard for me not to have last year. I'm super pumped. Thank you Jason!!

Things are going good at The Crossing, it's crazy how much I feel at home here. It's like this is where I have always been. We have made friends that we love, we love the area, and our home is just absolutely perfect. It's kind of weird being so close to Boerne (home), but not close enough to stay plugged in. Our life is here right now and although Boerne is just a short drive, it would be completely overwhelming and impossible to stay plugged in to both worlds. It's hard seeing things on Facebook that I know I technically could have been at and friends I could be with, but realistically, it would be too much. I miss my friends from Boerne, but it's comforting at the same time to know that I can go out there sometimes:). Love you Boerne friends and family. As I watch Justin and Misty go through the trial they are enduring, I am reminded of how loved we felt and how mightily the Lord used SO many of you to encourage us when we were hurting. (side-note, Misty Mac blessed me so much with her friendship in that season and I am so delighted to see that being multiplied and poured on her and Justin.) God is good and true to his word.

Well, that's what is going on with us. I'm hanging on to this last bit of summer that we have and planning on ending it with a bang!

Thank you God for healing, joy, and restoration. You are so good.

Never Grow Up

I just listened to Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" about 10 times in my car on our way home from Sea World tonight. I pictured my friend Misty twirling and dancing as a little girl and then I pictured her now as an adult enduring all the painful, HARD things that have been thrown at her in such a short life.

At Sea World today, Sarah got scared because it was dark in the Sesame Street show. She held on to my arm for dear life and buried her sweet head in my chest. I thought about how clinging onto mommy for dear life is enough to heal her little heart from feeling afraid. I envy the simplicity. I don't want her to grow up. I don't want her heart to be broken and scarred. I don't like it that bad things happen every day. At the same time Drew was laughing a hard belly laugh because the show was so hilarious to him. He was captivated by it. I hate it that we all too often lose that.

I heard on the radio today of a ministry that fosters women who have been sold for their bodies. I found out today that my dad's mom has lung cancer. I saw people at Sea World with all kinds of physical handicaps, people of all ages. It's everywhere. Pain and suffering is unavoidable in this world. I see it in my boys already. Other children have said mean things to them and they guard their little hearts just a little bit from it. It's as though every time we get hit by an arrow, we guard ourselves just a little more, we get a little more afraid, and we lose a little bit more of that precious innocence.

Scripture says that there is a time for mourning and a time for laughter. I say if we are in that time of mourning, let the tears flow and the walls come down. Let the false walls of security come down and let others carry us as we endure. Let's cry at the feet of Jesus and be ok with having nothing to say except groans of agony. He hears us friends, He hears us.

And when we dance and have times of great joy and laughter, let's dance and laugh as hard as we possibly can. Let us have joy and be thankful for the gift of new seasons. Let us not miss one second or opportunity to live life to the fullest. We never know when our season of mourning is coming.  And let us not forget to carry our friends.

I speak for so many when I say, we love you so much Justin and Misty and we are so sad that you guys are enduring this trial. We are praying ferociously for your family. You guys are so loved.

Rest For the Weary

Is anyone out there ever tired? I am exhausted very frequently. I read this blog post yesterday and it really stuck with me.

Way too frequently, I get super tired and feel mentally/emotionally exhausted. My default is to take naps whenever possible, eat junk or quick fix foods, and/or to veg out on the couch watching TV. I've noticed lately that doing those things doesn't really help. I can take a nap and then wake up only to feel exhausted again a few hours later. Or I watch TV at the end of the day and often times I feel like I completely just wasted my evening. It just isn't satisfying.

I think Kevin is really on to something when he  says, "It is in those moments when I am tempted to lock myself away and try to get sleep to provide me with something that it is not able to provide."

I'm telling you, I can sleep. I can sleep a lot. And I also find it very easy to stay home and not interact with anyone outside of my house for days. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to be alone, even if it is just alone with my kids and Jason. I think a Sabath rest is so neccesary for all of us, but I am talking about something different. I'm talking about taking it overboard and not feeling rested when it is all said and done.

On the flip side, when I spend an afternoon hanging out with my girlfriends or my extended family, I can get so energized and encouraged.

When I spend time reading my bible, or STUDYING my bible, I feel so much more content and confident than when I watch a few hours of mindless TV. Watching TV doesn't energize me, it surely doesn't refresh me. In fact, oftentimes it's the opposite.  Oftentimes, it adds to the stress in my life.

So this summer, I am going to challenge myself. I'm challenging myself to read scripture on a more regular basis and to refresh myself through God's Word. I am also going to eliminate some of the "junk food" that I put in my brain, such as way too much time on fb, too much TV, etc. I'm also going to try and ask myself before I stuff food in my mouth without even being hungry, why do I eat when I am bored and restless? What could I do differently in those moments of temptation?

I'm hopeful to see if setting some new boundaries and disciplines will help me to feel less drained. I'll let you know how it goes!

Three Little Monkeys

When Jason and I had two children, we had a pretty cozy little life. I was able to do so many things with the boys that I enjoyed doing and I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I can see that I thought I had a pretty good handle on this whole parenting thing. I thought I had the marriage thing pretty well figured out as well.

I really didn't think that much could change that. If you had asked me if I thought there was ever a chance of Jason and I having huge obstacles to overcome in our marriage, I think I would have pretty confidently said no.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but three was the magic number for me! In this short season of having sweet Sarah in our lives, God has broken me in so many ways of my self-sufficiency and pride. I no longer feel as though I have all the answers to parenting. I no longer think that I can control my kids and be the world's best momma. I no longer think that homeschooling will be easy and smooth.

I have felt in the most tangible way EVER that I cannot do anything in my own strength and wisdom. I NEED THE LORD.

I remember telling a friend of mine, "well, if we have three kids and it's beyond my abilities, that's ok, becuase it just means I will have to depend on the Lord more." Boy, is that ever the truth?! It is so true, so true.

And I am here to tell you that it has been a WONDERFUL thing.  Absolutely amazing. Being SO aware of my dependency on Jesus has been so freeing. It has made me a more compassionate person and it has drawn me closer to my father in Heaven. It has forced me to hand each of my children, and my marriage, over to the Lord on a daily basis.  An hourly basis. It's beyond me. I am incapable of building a strong family and strong children. I really am. I mess up in so many ways. But you know what, it's ok, because God comes through. He fills the gaps and He works miracles. He also gives the the strength, energy, and ability to keep on going at this thing called life. He teaches me, He puts people in my life to encourage me, and He equips me. And when I mess up, He graciously forgives me, and helps me to learn from my mistakes and to move on.

So my challenge to you is to ask yourself if you've got it all under control. Do you feel as though you have a good handle on your kids and marriage? Do you think you've got it in the bag? If you do, maybe you could ask God to help you in that area. It's hard, it's hard to feel in over your head, but to be completely dependent on the Lord, is the best gift ever.

I love my three little monkeys and the way they have stretched my faith in so many ways. I am so thankful for the gift of raising them, and I am so thankful to know that they are actually my father in Heavens children.  He loves them more than I do, with a love that is perfect and pure. He wants good things for them and He has a plan for them.  Thank you Lord for the gift of raising and training these precious souls.  Help me to do well by them and to point them to you.