Life's Healing Choices- Choice Eight

Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires.
Matthew 5:10

If I could sum up chapter 8 in one sentence, it would be this quote from the book.

God is bigger than anyone who hurts you. (or anything that has hurt you.) No matter what other people have done to you, God can recycle it and use it for good. God never wastes a hurt. But you can waste it, if you don't learn from it and share it. Others will be blessed and encouraged if you share the problems and struggles you've gone through. God can and will use your pain to help others, if you let Him.

(I added "or anything that hurts you" because sometimes life just hurts, pain is not always tied up in another person.)

I can't think of much worse than bottling up the things God has done for me and keeping it to myself. That's not how He works, and I certainly don't want to live that way. In fact, the only reason that I can think of keeping hurts, habits, and hang-ups completely to myself would be for the sake of keeping my pride and reputation in tact. I am almost over worrying about what people think of me. I am getting closer and closer to the point of only caring about the glory God receives, and less about myself receiving glory. The truth is that I don't ever want people to think that my faith, or my relationship with Jesus is any more sacred than the relationship that is available to all of us. I am nothing special. Well, I am special because I am a daughter of the king, but that is the only reason.  Jesus has freed me from things and he continues to and anything good that comes from me is only because of the work he is doing in me.

So like I said, I am almost to the point of not caring what other people think of me. But I have not arrived.  I have shared some on here and with friends, and I have gone to DEEP places with some people, but I thought surely that wouldn't happen again.  At least not anytime soon. But I was wrong. As I prayed about who God would have me recycle my pain for and share my story with, he pretty clearly brought a certain woman to my mind. I called her today and I just have to say that He is so faithful and so amazing.

I called my friend, not sure exactly what I would say, or exactly what I would share, but the conversation just flowed so naturally and she said to me, "it is so amazing that you called me today and are speaking to me about the thing that has been such a burden to me here lately."  Wow. Our stories are similar and I knew they were, but I didn't know how similar. We were able to encourage each other and now we can walk alongside each other as we heal from the pain in our pasts. Recycling pain. Beautiful. Amazing. Worth it.

I also want to REDUCE pain by sharing my story.  Because friends, doing things that God says not to do always, always, ALWAYS has a price tag. And it's not because He is a mean God, it's because He is an extremely loving God. So if you are choosing to live outside of God's will right now...STOP!!! Please, please, please. Seek God. Turn your life around and begin the path to healing. I know it is so hard to take that first step, and I know it's sometimes easier to stay in the land of what's comfortable and known, but in the end...IT"S NOT EASIER. And it's not worth it!! Sin always has a price, and you never know how much that price will be or how long it will haunt you. And if you are a parent, you never know what YOUR sin will cost your kids. Don't fool yourself and think you can separate them from it.  Believe me, I am paying the price for sin that was in my life many, many years ago and my hurts, habits, and hang-ups do not just effect me. They effect everyone that is close to me.

...and that, my friends, is the end of this book, but the beginning of a healthier life for me! Thank you for joining me!!

Choice 8
Yield myself to God to be used to bring this good news to others, both by my example and by my words.


Recap of the previous beatitudes that we have covered...

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them! (This is about acknowledging our need for God.)

Happy are those who mourn; God will comfort them! (This isn't just about crying, it's about crying OUT TO GOD!!)

Happy are those who are humble; they will receive what God has promised. (This is about acknowledging that we are not in charge of the universe, Jesus is. It's about surrendering to Him.)

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires; God will satisfy them fully.  (This is the continual, life-long choice to always seek after what God desires.)

Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them. ( Choosing to forgive because God has forgiven us, resentment doesn't work, and in the future I will need forgiveness.)

Happy are the pure in heart; they will see God. (Confess your deepest regrets, fears, and concerns to safe people. Satan likes to keep our secrets in the dark and that is where they grow!! Light exposes darkness for what it is and makes it dissipate!)

Happy are those who work for peace; God will call them his children. (Let's quit feeling entitled and causing bickering!! Let it go!! Strive for peace in your marriage, in your relationships, at your work, etc.!)



The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Four

Blessed are those who are pure in heart, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:8

Chapter four was a little in my face. I wasn't too excited about it at all the first time I read through it. However, I decided to stick to the course and do what was asked of me.

First I want to mention that I believe everyone's outcome of this chapter, and the book for that matter, would be very different from the next person. This was just my take on it.

The biggest "assignment" that chapter four involved was taking a personal inventory of my life, both the good and the bad. They recommend this little chart and I did it exactly how the book asked of me because quite frankly I didn't have any idea where to start if I were to do it any other way. I struggled with the whole idea because I know that every sin of mine is forgiven. I also know that I do not have to live chained down to the things of my past. Therefore, I hesitated to even go there in the slightest bit. But again, I followed the directions:).  Immediately I realized that there are things in my past that although I have repented of, and I have asked for forgiveness, it still brought on feelings of shame and condemnation for me to think about some of the stuff.  There are some things from my life "before Christ" that I realized still haunted me a little and that I would prefer for no-one else to ever know about. However, along comes with that a feeling of secrecy, and of potentially being found out and I don't think God wants me to live that way. I'm not going to hash out the details on here, but I did do so with my friend who is walking through this book with me. It was amazing.

Another component of the chart was to write in a section what the "effect" of said event was.  As I looked over the "effect" section of my chart, the progression of things was astounding. I believe if I do not take away anything else from this chapter, this in and of itself was enormous. Most of my stuff is encompassed with broken relationships. In the beginning, the broken relationships caused me to be a little less vulnerable and a little less trustworthy. It progressed to things like "lack of emotions", "feeling alone, isolated, and weird", and "contempt towards emotions." Crazy. So at the bottom of my 3 page chart, when I got to silly little "offenses" that happened within the last few years, my responses to the broken relationships were all the way to the most desperate place instead of at the top where I was shaken up just a little and feeling a little less trustworthy.

Here is what is huge. I feel like God is showing me that His desire is to break down those walls and to restore my heart to a place of vulnerability and purity. He wants to heal me and bring me to a place where I can trust HIM with childlike faith that never waivers. My trust was never meant to be put solely in the relationships around me, but it was meant to be in Him.  With my trust, foundation, and identity found completely in Him, I can withstand the risks that come with being in healthy, honest relationships with others.

Let me end with this. I allowed God to be in control of my life when I turned 20 years old. Had I not, my life would be completely different than it is now. My life is not perfect right now, but I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me so well, I have 3 precious kids, and most importantly, I know that I am a child of the king of the universe. I know I have a daddy in Heaven who loves me and who pursues me every single day. That is amazing and it gives me hope in this hard, hard world.

I fall short every day. I make mistakes every day and I get off track, but because God loves me so much, He always forgives me and pulls me back close to Him.

My parents are the only ones in my family heritage who are still married, and it is only by the grace of God. I have a long line of divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, and so forth in my family and I am certain that I would be right there in that lifestyle to this day had it not been for my mighty God who saved me. I had a huge hole in my heart that I was seeking every where for someone or something to fill, and thankfully God showed me that it was Him I was looking for before the damage I did to myself was irreversible. I don't care what your family tree looks like, or how far you feel like you are from the Lord, He is ready to forgive you and to comfort you. He is ready to equip you to move out of a life of desperation and into a life of hope. He did it for me. I am so thankful and I am so thankful for this chapter and for the reminder that I don't have to be ashamed of who I used to be or of the things I have done in my life. They are forgiven and what's equally amazing to me is that God is REDEEMING my past. He is taking the ugly parts of my life and making them into something beautiful, BUT He can only do that when I am honest enough with myself and with others to let those things be exposed and not hidden in a corner of my life.

Choice Four
Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Choice One
Choice Two
Choice Three

The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Three

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:5

As I read through this chapter, I found myself thinking, "this is great. this is REALLY good stuff especially for those who have not put their faith and trust in Jesus Christ, but I have. I did 10 years ago, so how does this apply to me NOW?"

And God answered...are you ready??? Turn the lights down and get ready for something spectacular...!!!

He said, "now get on with it!!"  I believed that Christ was my savior, and have believed it for 10 years, I have trusted that He has good things for me, and that He is enabling me to live a righteous life, and currently  He is showing me all of these lies I believed, He is replacing them with His truths, and now he is telling me to "believe Him and get on with it!!!"

So let me back up. These are a few of the lies I believed.

Lie 1. I am your father in heaven and I want you to work for me now. Get out there and make me proud!!

Replaced with, " I have loved you with an everlasting love. I am proud of you because you are mine. I made you and I remember what you are made of. Your "shortcomings" are no surprise to me and I am NOT keeping a tally of them, they are NOT what defines you."

Jeremiah 31:3; Isaiah 43:1; Genesis 2:7; Romans 8:1

Lie 2. You are not safe and you must protect yourself at all times.

Replaced with, " I am your protector. You will never be and you NEVER WERE alone. I have been with you all along, eager to comfort you. Come to me and I WILL comfort you. Yes, I gave you a brain to set boundaries with, but some things are/were out of your control and even then, especially then, I AM WITH YOU. "

 Psalm 68:5; Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 5:4

Lie 3. Don't let others see the REAL you. Don't let them see the ways you fall short and/or the fears you have in your heart because then you will be unlovable and no one will like you or want to keep you in their lives.

Replaced with, "I see the real you. You are covered in the blood of Christ. I see your heart and I think it is beautiful. I made that heart remember. I know your fears, I know your vulnerabilities and they do not intimidate me in the least bit. Please share them with me. And please find safe sisters in Christ to share them with as well bc they aren't going to leave you either.  In fact, your vulnerabilities might make them feel a little more comfortable with their own. EVEN if everyone else abandons you though, even if, I NEVER WILL. And even if every single one of your "secrets" are exposed, it WILL NOT change your identity. Your identity is in me and in me ALONE.

Isaiah 43:1; 2 Corinthians 5:7-12; 2 Corinthians 5:17

SO, I am believing Christ Jesus for what He says to be true. I am clinging to these promises and I am "getting on with it already!!"

Thank you Jesus.

One last thing that God showed me through various avenues was that I forgot to let him hold me, and I went straight to the helping me part. I never dealt with the hurts, habits, and hang-ups from my past. I just pushed right through them. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps if you will, and went straight ahead. God has brought me through a precious season where I am reminded to let him ALWAYS hold me first. That's His hearts desire. Then and only then, can He help me in a way that stands the test of time.

Choice Three
 Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.


Life's Healing Choices -Choice One
Life's Healing Choices- Choice Two

also. don't forget to check out our church's website to hear Marty and Jason preach on this series, based on the beatitudes. 

Life's Healing Choices- Choice Two

Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Choice one wasn't a very FUN chapter for me to go through. This book is actually coming into my life in God's most perfect, incredible timing. I have been processing some stuff for months now, and I believe going through this book, is going to help me in knowing what to do with the "junk" in my life. It is really so much bigger than this book, it's the message of the gospel, however, the words in this book, and the message that I am hearing thus far is one of redemption and revival.

For the past ten years of my life, since I surrendered my life to the Lord, I have gone full-fledged into "serving Him" mode. I think I realized that I belonged to a daddy in Heaven who wanted me and who had a purpose for me, and so my response for Him was to work for Him and to never stop showing Him how thankful I was/am for the things He has saved me from. My life would be very different right now if it weren't from the crazy-style intervention that God worked in my life when I was 20 years old.

With that said, I haven't really slowed down. Or stopped. I married a pastor, we had 3 kids in 5 years, we moved several times, we worked on staff at several churches, and you better believe, I have been "doing MY best" all this time to "make God PROUD." I want Him to be proud of me. I love Him, and I have found a lot of ways through scripture that I know are pleasing to Him. I have learned a lot about what it means to be a "good" wife and to be a good mom, I have read every book, I have gone to conferences, I have sought Goldy council, and the list goes on. And you better believe I have given it my absolute best. All of these things are good things, I am not saying they aren't.

However, when I got sick, I felt like the rug was PULLED OUT FROM UNDER ME. I felt WORTHLESS. I was so disappointed bc I felt God had showed me how to make Him proud, and now that I couldn't,  now what? How was I still going to be lovable? How was I going to keep my family afloat? How was I going to raise Godly offspring? How would I be a helper and an encouragement to my spouse? How could I serve in the church? How could I love my neighbors when I couldn't get out of bed and/or when I couldn't do much more than survive. Much less, be active and engaged in my life that God had blessed me with. That's when I hit rock bottom. And I am so thankful.

God showed me in that place that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do or not do that would make Him love me any more or less. He wasn't going to stop being proud of me and He was NEVER, EVER going to leave my side. Even if everyone else did. (Which to those of you who didn't, thank you. You have blessed me more than I could ever, ever communicate to you. Many of you are my faithful blog readers:))

With all of this being said, God is rebuilding me right now. And He is doing it with my foundation being made anew. My foundation is that I am loved and cherished by Jesus Christ. I am a child of the king and NOTHING can ever shake or change that. (If you have believed in Jesus Christ, the same goes for you by the way.)

God has revealed to me many hurts, habits, and hang-ups that I have. And they aren't pretty at all. I have grieved my sin. I have grieved the ways that I have tried to be in control of my life and the ways that I have refused to let God comfort me. I have pushed some things so far from the surface that I didn't give God the free reign to free me and release me from my past. Some of it 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, all the way up to 2 years ago.

It has been painful to bring things back to the surface, but in the company of beloved, trusted, sisters of mine, I have given so many things back up to my daddy.

He's got it now. I have given it all back to Him, and I refuse to believe that I can heal myself, or help myself any longer. I can't. I need God everyday. And I PRAISE Him because he cares enough for me that those things matter to Him.  And in His kindness and goodness, He alone is big enough to give me the strength and power to overcome my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Daddy.

I love you.

Choice Two
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Ps. I prayed years ago that God would help me feel comfortable calling Him "daddy." He answered.

Pss. Please see The Crossing's website to hear Marty and Jason as they preach on the beatitudes, (the scriptures that this book is based on). It will bless your socks off. Truly.

Life's Healing Choices- Choice One

Life's Healing Choices- Choice One

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.
Matthew 5:3

I have had a few hard blows in this short lifetime of mine. Who hasn't?  In the past, I have allowed those "blows" if you will, to suck the life out of me at times.  I have watched myself sort of self-destruct and go into my own little vacuum where all I can think about it the "suffering" that I am enduring. As I come out of those seasons, I am always thankful for the things God teaches me, and I am also always so frustrated with myself that I can get so distracted from being the wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend that God has called me to be.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in grief, and I believe in staring pain right in the face while allowing it to penetrate every fiber of my being. But I don't like staying there. And I especially do not like staying there if it involves neglecting my husband and kids because I am too consumed with myself. I always regret it and feel more happiness when I choose to focus my energy on being a blessing instead of looking for what I can get out of life.

So when I started chapter one of Life's Healing Choices, I sort of made a deal with God. I told Him I would go through this book, but I refused to go into crisis mode. I refused to be broken to a point that I neglected those around me.

I think He laughed at me when I told Him that. 

So as I journeyed through chapter one, I have journaled and shared with my accountability partner, I have cried, I have prayed, and I have asked God for forgiveness and healing. And I will continue to confess the sins of my heart to trustworthy sources and I will continue to seek healing and restoration in my heart, mind, body, and spirit. My journey is far from over.

BUT one thing God  has shown me through this is that to be "spiritually poor" does not mean to go into crisis mode so much that I am consumed in my own little pity party. Not at all. It is simply an acknowledgement of how much I miss the mark and how far off I am from "doing all the things I want to do, and from being who I want to be" when I try and do life without Jesus. I have a track record of sin in my life. We all do. And even though my track record BEFORE Jesus looks different than my track record of sin AFTER Jesus in my life, it's technically all the same. It's falling short. It's living in my sin nature. And I continuously do it. I continuously do the things I do not want to do. And that is the definition of being spiritually poor. It's acknowledging that apart from Christ, I can do nothing. I need Jesus every second of every day to live this life as He has called me to.  Everything I do is not so that I can boast and say, "Look at me!! I am an awesome Christian, I've got this thing in the bag!!" Nope, not at all.  Everything that I do and everything that I am is because Christ is working within me and through me. Period. He gets all the glory. In my own strength, I am spiritually POOR, and I know it. Thank you God.

Choice One

I admit that I am powerless to control 

my tendency to do the wrong thing 

and that my life is unmanageable.

Our church is working through Life's Healing Choices, starting today at The Crossing. We have books on sale on Sunday mornings for $5. I am excited about this journey and I invite you to join us!

Knowing My Limits II

I am currently clearing off my plate and putting my health, my God, and my family as my priority.

I am learning to live within my limitations and to not do it begrudgingly, but to be thankful for the ways God is teaching me. As much as I believe it intellectually, it is such a hard concept for me to grasp that God is not interested in all the things that I can do for Him, but He is interested in me being fully devoted to Him. More than anything I can give Him, He just wants to live in an intimate relationship with me. I believe the rest will flow from that, but it cannot and will not work any other way.  (Another thing is that I am a recovering people pleaser, and it's hard to please others when I am at home!)

What does this look like practically? I am staying home a lot more and I am allowing myself one "big" thing a day. Maybe that "big" thing is going to the grocery store with the kids in tow. Maybe it is taking the kids swimming. Maybe it is having Group at our house on Tuesday evenings, or maybe it is going to a dinner that is being put on to raise funds for my precious friends.

No matter what that "one" thing is, the rest of the day is committed to taking care of myself and of my family. Making sure we all have clean clothes, putting three meals on the table (healthy ones as often as possible), sitting with Dylan on the couch and having him read a book to me. Rolling on the floor with Sarah listening to her belly laugh and squeezing her soft skin! Doing math flashcards over lunch, and reading a story from the bible over dinner. Little things that seem so simple, but that go so far.  Those little things that get squeezed out when I choose to fill my life with busyness, even "good" busyness.

Homeschooling starts for us in about a month and I am nervous about that, but I love the freedom and flexibility that it allows.

One of the things I have noticed is that staying home gives my kids the freedom to be kids. When we choose to be on the go, they are sort of left with no freedom to be creative. They are forced to engage with the world around them that constantly has millions of distractions fighting for their attention. When we stay home, they get out their stuffed animals and give them haircuts. They build hide-outs and shoot the enemies that are encroaching on them. They pretend that the rails on the staircase are the barricades from the bad guys and they have their toy guns lined up prepared for battle. They take hour long baths with their sister. They freeze toys in cups and then have so much fun defrosting their creations in the bathtub. They build lego towers. They watch super hero shows and they cuddle with me on the couch.  It's good. It's really good.

I think God knows what we need more than I do, who would have thought?? ;)  Looking forward to a season of focus and recovery.  (Oh, and we got a new mattress today that I am soooo excited about! I am hoping it will help my body feel a little less achy as well:))

Blessings friends. Thank you so much for all the love and support that you guys give me.

Knowing My Limits

So I am still venturing through the unknown trying to figure out what it looks like to manage fibromyalgia and how to live a lifestyle that is productive for it.  I keep coming back to the same thing God has been teaching me since the day I became a mom. Man, why am I so hard-headed??

I remember reading several years ago from a fellow mommy blogger that every mom has their very own unique levels of energy and that it is important for us to realize where we are on the spectrum and to learn to live within our bounds. I  loved hearing that because I have always felt guilty for not being able "to do more." I want to be the mom that takes meals to every hurting family, I want to watch other peoples kids so that the parents can care for sick spouses or children, I want to teach in all the classes and I want to be a good friend to all the other moms and wives out there because I know we all need each other. I want to have a beautifully decorated and clean house, but more than that, I want people to feel welcomed and loved when they come in my house. And I want them here. The list goes on.

For as long as I can remember though, I have always gotten tired very easily. When I was a kid, my mom would take me shopping for clothes and I was always miserable because I would get so tired! I would get grumpy and mad, and I would tell her that I just wanted to go home and take a nap because I was too tired. Then when I was a flight attendent, I was working with women who were 10, 20, sometimes 30 years older than me. We would work the same exact schedule for 1-4 days together and at the end of every day, I would often be so tired that I felt like it was physically beyond me to walk from the airplane to the hotel shuttle. For real. It was ridiculous. I would be in the van on the way to the hotel and I would just sit there quietly anxiously waiting to collapse in my room, while my co-workers were planning what they were going to do when we got to our hotel.  I didn't understand how they had all this energy left in them.

Then I became a mom, and the exhaustion went to a whole other level. Why could I not "go, go, go" like everyone else does? Why is taking care of the basic needs of our family enough to max me out. How can all these other moms go strong all day long with their kids in tow and still have the energy not to fall asleep at the wheel??

So here I am now and I deal with not only the tiredness, but my body screams at me when I push myself beyond my limits even in the tiniest bit.

All of this leads to where I am today...which I think might be a whole other post...:)

To be continued...

Never Grow Up

I just listened to Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" about 10 times in my car on our way home from Sea World tonight. I pictured my friend Misty twirling and dancing as a little girl and then I pictured her now as an adult enduring all the painful, HARD things that have been thrown at her in such a short life.

At Sea World today, Sarah got scared because it was dark in the Sesame Street show. She held on to my arm for dear life and buried her sweet head in my chest. I thought about how clinging onto mommy for dear life is enough to heal her little heart from feeling afraid. I envy the simplicity. I don't want her to grow up. I don't want her heart to be broken and scarred. I don't like it that bad things happen every day. At the same time Drew was laughing a hard belly laugh because the show was so hilarious to him. He was captivated by it. I hate it that we all too often lose that.

I heard on the radio today of a ministry that fosters women who have been sold for their bodies. I found out today that my dad's mom has lung cancer. I saw people at Sea World with all kinds of physical handicaps, people of all ages. It's everywhere. Pain and suffering is unavoidable in this world. I see it in my boys already. Other children have said mean things to them and they guard their little hearts just a little bit from it. It's as though every time we get hit by an arrow, we guard ourselves just a little more, we get a little more afraid, and we lose a little bit more of that precious innocence.

Scripture says that there is a time for mourning and a time for laughter. I say if we are in that time of mourning, let the tears flow and the walls come down. Let the false walls of security come down and let others carry us as we endure. Let's cry at the feet of Jesus and be ok with having nothing to say except groans of agony. He hears us friends, He hears us.

And when we dance and have times of great joy and laughter, let's dance and laugh as hard as we possibly can. Let us have joy and be thankful for the gift of new seasons. Let us not miss one second or opportunity to live life to the fullest. We never know when our season of mourning is coming.  And let us not forget to carry our friends.

I speak for so many when I say, we love you so much Justin and Misty and we are so sad that you guys are enduring this trial. We are praying ferociously for your family. You guys are so loved.

To Live is Christ

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:4

In the past, I have looked at this verse and thought that in order for me to get to the hope part of this verse, I needed to endure and do a "good" job at suffering. I thought that I had to keep a smile on my face, and stay positive no matter what was going on around me and in me. Last year at this time, there were many days where I had no joy or hope. I felt defeated and I did not have the energy to pretend that I was enjoying the suffering that our family endured. At times, I was scared to talk to my friends because I didn't want them to hear how upset I was at our circumstances and that even though I loved the Lord, I didn't really trust Him at the moment, and in fact, I questioned His heart.

What I have learned is that God isn't afraid of those questions. He isn't afraid or intimidated by the hard questions that we sometimes ask of Him. He doesn't get offended and cower away from us for fear of being hurt. He is SO MUCH BIGGER than I ever gave Him credit for.

To me, I thought suffering well meant being a Polly Anna.

I feel like, in this season, I am to the hope part. I have learned that surrendering to myself, coming to the absolute end of myself, and seeking the Lord from a different angle other than the surface level "God is good and He has done so many good things in my life," HE brought me to the hope and endurance through suffering. It wasn't/isn't something I did. It was something Jesus did. He brought me through suffering and gave me endurance, character, and hope. It was 100 percent a work of HIM, not anything I was/am capable of doing.

I love how God did indeed, use suffering to strip me of my self-sufficiency and of my pride. He showed me that I was/am absolutely incapable of controlling my life. EVERY gift, from the breath I am taking right now, to the financial provision of our family, to the ability to love my family well, EVERY GIFT is indeed a GIFT from Him.

Thank you Jesus. This verse has been on my heart the last several days. I'm really trying to embrace what it means.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philipians 1:21

I have a strong desire and excitement to be in Heaven with Jesus. I know everything about an eternal life with the Lord and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will surpass this world. I am excited about it.  Very excited about it. When I see all the things in this world that are falling apart, I am hopeful that the end is drawing near.  I want suffering and pain to come to an end.

However, as strong as that desire is, I am still here.  And I think the desire to leave is a little bit selfish.

So for me to live, is to do a work for Christ. Not because that is how I get Him to love me. Not so that I can prove myself to others. But because for me to live on this earth, is to be a servant of Jesus Christ. It is my joy and honor to cling so tightly to Jesus that others will benefit from it. It starts in my home, and I am so passionate about pointing my kids to their perfect father in Heaven. For me to die would be a personal gain, but for me to stay here...means to be disciplined in  the task I have before me. It's an honor, it's a privilege to serve the Lord.  And I want to be an agent here on the Earth that leads others to enter into a relationship with Jesus. I want to be used so that more and more people will have the security and hope of an eternal life worshiping our creator.

Dear Jesus, help me to remember, even when things are hard, that my time on this earth is limited. One day, I will be in Heaven with you, but until that day, please help me to be mindful of all the people in my life and in my influence, who do not yet know you. Please be working in the hearts around me and give me opportunities to share your love for them, with them. I love you Jesus. Amen.

Jesus Is Worth It...

It's been a few months, well about 7 months actually, since I have seen any doctors about the physical pain I have been experiencing.  After obsessing over "figuring this all out," I took a much needed, long break from doctors appointments.

I've tried pretending everything was ok and hoping and praying that eventually it would all go away, exercising, stretching, yoga, miracle ball, and a few other natural, home remedies all to no avail.

The pain comes and goes depending on how much or how little activity I do, but it's always at bay.  It's my pretty constant companion:).

So Wednesday, I finally got brave enough to go back to see my rheumatologist.  I was so nervous and wanted to cry in the waiting room.  I think the biggest reason was because I got so tired of people(doctors) telling me that everything was normal in the past when I KNEW things WERE NOT normal! I was scared of putting myself out there only for that to happen again.  BUT on the other hand, I want some relief so that my quality of life can be bettter and I just can't give that up.

So, after looking over my file some more, examining me, and talking things over some more, my doc spits out the word fibromyalgia.

My response was this,  "I have been told that fibromyalga is what doctors tell patients when they can't find anything wrong, and they think the patients are just crazy. Imagining things."

My sweet doctor then spent the next 30-40 minutes explaining the science and research behind the disease and how some doctors may think that, but it's not what they think that matters, it's what I know to be true that matters.  I know this pain is real and that I am not imaging it. And it's important that I don't let myself believe I am "just crazy" because that is just destructive and hopeless.

He explained to me that they have recently done real-time MRI's on the brains of patients with fibromyalgia compared to healthy patients and inflicted pain on both while watching the brain reactions.  Basically people with fibromyalgia have more sensitivity to pain through their nerves.  It's an imbalance in the brain that causes pain to be more intense.  So a healthy patients brain may respond hardly at all to a pinch on the finger, while a patient with fibromyalgia's brain would light up drastically.  SO. The doctor says my case isn't full blown fibromyalgia because it isn't widespread, rather it is more localized(lower back, legs, hips, butt).  Mine is more like myofascial pain syndrome, which is often a pre-cursor to fibromyalgia. 

He started me on some meds to hopefully balance the imbalance out a little bit and minimize the pain, which would be GREAT!  I'm really hoping and praying that it helps just so that normal things won't cause the nagging frustration and inability to function how I would like to:).

It's funny because a year ago, this diagnosis would have been devastating to me.  Now, it isn't.  Yeah, it's not the coolest thing ever, but it isn't the worst thing either.  It's a constant reminder to me of my weaknesses as a human.  It's a reminder to me that we live in a broken world with broken bodies, BUT our brokenness WILL NOT have the last word.  The intensity of pain that I have experienced IS NOTHING to what Jesus experienced on the cross.  And the reason He did that, is so that you and I could be rescued from this fallen world and from the brokenness of everything in it that leads to so much grief and sorrow.  Satan will not have the last word. This earth will be restored and if we allow Jesus to pay the price for OUR OWN sins, our own brokenness, if we believe in our need for HIM, and trust Him, then we too will be RESTORED.  And the suffering that we experienced in this lifetime will be a distant memory.  Worthy.  It will be worth it to have suffered to be closer to Jesus.  I am more dependant on the Lord and more thankful for His sacrifice than I ever have been and for that, I am so thankful. I am so much more mindful of my inadequacy's and weaknesses, and more aware of HIS POWER.  I am absolutely helpless without Jesus.


I am constantly reminded that every moment we have is the ONLY moment we have.  Tomorrow IS NOT a GUARANTEE.  We might not get the chance to love on our kids tomorrow, we might not get the chance to invest in our marriages and in the lives of people around us.  We might not get that chance tomorrow, but we have it today and we should use it to the fullest! 

To God be ALL the glory, great things HE is doing.

Thank you Jesus. 

Love,

In My Shoes

"In my shoes" is a weekly series that is updated every Thursday. I hope you enjoy the following post and that like me, you will learn more about a different walk of life, which will help you to love better! We love comments or likes and would love to have you follow this series with us. We have some amazing women and amazing topics to share. If you have something YOU would like to write about, please contact me!



Mindy asked me to share my story about spending most of my life not knowing my biological father.  I am currently 31 years old and we have three young children in our home, which means all of my memories are a little foggy lately.  However, when I really think about it, I only have, at most, a handful of memories of my father.  Let me preface  these memories by sharing that the last time I ever saw the man was when I was seven years old.  So here is a quick recap.

I remember visiting him when he lived in San Antonio, but I only remember laughing and  having fun with him while also being scared and asking him if he took his medicine.  He struggled with a severe chemical imbalance that eventually led to extreme paranoid schizophrenia.

I remember seeing my mom crying as I could hear his voice screaming on the other end of the line.

I remember seeing him literally fight with my stepfather (more about him soon) and kick in a large window which caused glass to fly all over my baby sister Nicki.  Praise God she was miraculously unharmed.

I remember flying on an airplane and the stewardess (that’s what they were called back then) reading to me because I was nervous about flying by myself from San Antonio to Philadelphia.

I remember being in court and having to go into the judges chambers and explain, all by myself, with no leading, why I did not feel safe living with my father.

I remember seeing him at McDonalds in Kerrville, TX for what I did not know would be the last time.

Apparently there was much more to the story that I am thankful I cannot remember.  Like when I was an infant and my Dad literally kidnapped me from my mom in Philadelphia.  I was only returned when he pulled over because he was too drunk and/or high to keep driving and he called 911. 

Some of these experience’s help explain why I am the way that I am, both good and bad.  For example, I am extremely independent and if left alone to my own devices, I would probably spend all of my time alone.  Why?  I could guarantee that way no one else could hurt me. 

That same independence has led me on the other hand to be a leader much my life, not always to my liking I might add.  After all if as a kindergartner you can speak with a judge and help determine where you will live, what can't you do?

At the same time I have some serious trust issues which would make sense from some of the chaos that happened while I was a child, despite my families attempts to keep me safe.

There are days when I am fearful that I do not have what it takes to love my family how I desire, after all, this is where I came from.  Other times I wonder if some of the same chemical issues that haunted my father will work their way into my life.  Will the same thing happen to me, will I and my family be destroyed?  Will my grasp of reality slowly drift away and rob from me the very ones I love and cherish the most?  Will my ability to provide for them physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually begin to deteriorate before my very eyes?

None of our lives are easy, and we all have different baggage that takes part in shaping who we are and will become.  Those of you who are children of divorce know that there is plenty of blame and hurt to go around, and normally only a minute portion is actually justified.  Such was the case with me.  The amazing part of my story is that from as long as I can remember, I was blessed to have another father in my life, my stepdad.  In reality he is my father and I am his son, but for the sake of confusion I will refer to him as my stepdad in this setting.

You see the Bible says, "The LORD is near the brokenhearted; he delivers those who are discouraged."  If you are a child of divorce then I know you already know what it is like to be brokenhearted and discouraged.  If not, then I am fairly certain your life experience has led you through hurts and pains, just from a different perspective.  As I child I did not know this verse, or truth, or really anything about God.  All I knew is that I was brokenhearted, scared, and confused.  Little did I know that God truly was near, but in a way I would not understand for well over a decade.

You see God put this man in my life.  My stepdad, if you know our family then you probably know him by the name we call him, “Pop”.  All of my life, Pop, has loved me, even though I am not his flesh and blood, as his flesh and blood.  He has taught me what it is to have strong work ethic and good character.  He spend more hours then I can possibly remember investing in me, teaching me, coaching me, and spending time with me.  Even when he would discipline me, all my memories are of him doing so fairly, although I admit I never once thought it to be fair in the moment.  Even some of my most difficult memories, are him protecting me and the rest of our family from the man that biologically had that right.  He is and always has been a real man, a man's man.  Not concerned about how he looks on the outside but who he is and what his life would stand for.

Many years later as a young teenager I would learn about another father who had been near to me all my life and desired to deliver me from discouragement.  It was not for years after that until I began to understand what it meant to be a follower of this Jesus.  Yet, the more I began to know him,  the more I realized this to be true, "He is a father to the fatherless and an advocate for widows. God rules from his holy palace."  It was not until I truly began to know God, my father, that I began to appreciate all he had blessed me with in Pop. 

For most of my childhood,  I had a deep bitterness toward Pop, I blamed him for not knowing my father.  As a teenager this began to come out in ugly ways.  Time would end up revealing truth which allowed me to stop blaming Pop for things that were never his fault and God would allow me to see how he used Pop as his way of being near to me,  the fatherless. 

As I began to know Jesus better, and my desire to follow him grew, it was always easy for me to see God as a father figure.  It was easy because God gave me a representative on earth in Pop that allowed me to see him more clearly.  Pop was and is not perfect, but all of those wonderful attributes of his are Godly attributes that allowed me to view God for who HE truly is.  My Father, My Prince of Peace, My Lord, My Messiah, My Savior, My Friend, and My Rock.

Why do I share all of this with you today?  Well, if you are old enough to read this, you have most likely experienced the hurts and pains of life that leave us brokenhearted.  To be honest, it kinda sucks, this is the reality of the world we live in.  The great news is that there is one who is a father to all the fatherless, if you are willing to admit that you need a daddy.  Knowing Him might not make your circumstances better, it might not take all your fears away, but knowing Him will allow you to persevere.

Therein lies the next question, why should I persevere?  If you cannot guarantee it will get better, what is the point.  Well, as I shared earlier, I never know if today will be the day I begin hearing voices, seeing people who are not really there, or begin losing a grasp on reality in some other way.  What I do know is the world is full of fatherless children, of children who are brokenhearted, and discouraged.  But as long as God gives me breathe and his spirit is leading me that will not be my children.  Just as Pop showed me glimpses of God throughout my life, so do I seek to do with my children. 

Wait, the challenge does not end there.  My Pop has always been known and loved by his children but many others as well.  You see he is that guy that people ask to keep coaching kids sports teams for years after his children are grown.  He instilled in me another teaching of Jesus, to be leader not by right but by service, a servant leader. 

What children has God placed in your life?  How can He use you to be a part of healing their broken hearts?  Are they in your home?  In your neighborhood?  They are all around, what will they remember, what will they know from your influence?  More brokenness, more disappointment? 

My story begins with baggage, hurt, pain, disappointment, confusion, and who knows the same darkness that plagued my father may fall on me some day.  However, that is out of my control.  I am not a victim of my baggage, I am who I am in part because of my baggage.  God has used my baggage in part to reveal to me His grace and mercy, and all I am certain of is that I have today.  Today to show the brokenhearted around me a little glimpse of the grace and mercy I have found in Jesus.  To show those around me the father who will never leave, the father who will never lose his mind, the father who will never cause you to cry in those silent moments, the father who will never, ever break your heart.

Jason Carlettini.

In My Shoes

"In my shoes" is a weekly series that is updated every Thursday. I hope you enjoy the following post and that like me, you will learn more about a different walk of life, which will help you to love better! We love comments or likes and would love to have you follow this series with us. We have some amazing women and amazing topics to share. If you have something YOU would like to write about, please contact me!

Some say that chronic pain is when the pain exceeds 3-6 months from the onset. Others say that chronic pain is pain that has existed for 12 months. Either way, I qualify.

Many people have suffered physical pain much worse than what I am living with. This is my mountain though. This is a walk I am going through and these are some of the things I am learning.

I see others differently now. Many times in my life I have seen someone in a wheel chair, with a limp, or with some other physical ailment that has made me uncomfortable. There have been more times than I care to admit that because I don't want to stare or make anyone uncomfortable so I just look the other way. Granted, not everyone that is in a wheelchair is in pain, but because I have felt so close to that, or that it really could happen to me as well, I no longer feel uncomfortable around people who are different. Now I see a person inside. I don't see the lady walking with a limp, I see the person who was/is just like me and now, for whatever reason, their body isn't working as it "should." I want to know them and I want to know their stories.  I'm so thankful for this new perspective and comfort that I have now with a whole other group of people.


Since I have been in pain, I have felt closer to God and more dependant on God than I ever have before in my life.  And I don't mean this in a "I'm so holy, I am so close to God and I need Him so much because I'm such a good christian kind of way."  It's more like, "God, you're going to have to help me because otherwise, this pain is going to be the end of me."  Or , "God, I can not do this, please, please, please make me better.  Please help me survive this.  Please take away the pain. Please give me joy. Please help me to LIVE."  He hears those cries.  He hears them just as much as songs of praise.  In fact, scripture says that he is close to the brokenhearted.  I know this now more than I ever have before.  Is it an "ok, everything is wonderful, polly anna type of presense??" No way.  It's a comfort.  It's a bare bones type of knowing that He is near.  It's a knowing in the midst of feeling desperate.  And then the sadness passes and He gives me the strength to keep going.

I have good days, sometimes good weeks.  It's amazing how quickly I go back to forgetting how much I need Him.  It's amazing how quickly I go back to thinking I can do things on my own.  It's in moments like these that I wonder if He's telling me the same thing He told Paul when He said, "my grace is sufficient."  I'm sure God can do more through me if I stay in this place of dependancy, but honestly, sometimes I don't even care about that because I just want the pain to go away.  I feel so horrible saying that, but it's true.

Being in pain keeps me at a place where I KNOW that I am powerless.  I KNOW that everything is out of my control.  Having something in my life that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it to make it go away reminds me constantly that life is out of my control. Obviously, we make decisions and contribute greatly to our lives, I'm not saying that, but I am saying that EVERY good thing we are able to do is a gift FROM our father in heaven.  All of it.  And it all can be taken away in a moment.  We are just grass that withers and flowers that fade.  We are mortals simply granted an opportunity and a chance to live life to the fullest for a season.  And it's passing quickly.

Lastly, I understand more than ever than our bodies are a dwelling place for the holy spirit now more than ever.  I have felt this huge disconnect between my body and my soul through all of this.  It's the strangest thing, but it's like no matter how much I will my physical body,  through my spirit to cooperate, it doesn't listen!  It's just the temple that my spirit, and that the spirit of the holy spirit dwell in.  It isn't "me."  Does that makes sense??  I don't know how else to explain it other than my soul still feels whole and complete, while my body feels "broken."  It's weird.

I wasn't planning on posting about this, but I ended up with an empty spot so there it is!  These are some of the things I have learned walking in these shoes.  I'm curious on what my perspective on this will be in 10 years from now!

Looking forward to hearing about post-partum depression, being a doctor's wife, and losing a parent in the next few weeks.  Thanks for joining us!

Love,

Mindy

Ten Year Anniversary

I am coming up on my ten-year anniversary of being a follower of Jesus Christ.  What most people do not know about me is that the same anniversary marks my ten-year anniversary of being off of narcotics.  

I quit getting high about a week before I surrendered my life to the Lord. 

In the last few months, I have found my thoughts wondering back to the day where I could escape from reality by using substances.  I found myself thinking a little too fondly of those days and keeping it a secret, which scared me.  A lot...

Please join me over at (in)courage to read the rest!  I am honored to be guest posting today!

Blessed,

Living in the Now

I am keeping up with several people through CaringBridge right now.  If you don't know what CaringBridge, that's a good thing.  It's a website where friends and family can keep up with loved ones who have cancer, a premature birth, or any other serious illness. 

I also have a blog friend who just battled hard with cancer.

Its interesting...when my blog friend announced to us that she had cancer, I never would have thought that I would have come close to losing my own life while she fought for hers.  I had never been diagnosed with anything that could potentially be terminal, so naturally, when/if someone else did, I assumed her life on this earth would be over before mine was. 

We all do, right.  Deep down, we know intellectually that we could get in a car accident today and never wake up at home again, or we could be attending a rally when a criminal open fires on the crowd, or we could have a heart attack and never kiss our spouse goodnight again.  But we don't really think it will happen to us.  It's easy to go through the motions of life and never really acknowledge that the end could be near for us as well.  Well, atleast not if we consider ourselves to be healthy. 

Something changed for me when I found myself in the hospital, not once, but twice, hemorrhaging without a doctor in sight being able to diagnose the reason why my body would not stop bleeding.  For what felt like eternity.

I realized that no matter how healthy we appear to be today, tomorrow might be a whole other story. 

Yesterday I got a Caring Bridge update that one of the sweet ladies I am praying for, who is a mother of two small children, has a new tumor on her brain. 

Shortly after I got the update, I found myself soaking in the tub with my sweet Sarah.  I love that cute little naked body, covered in dimples and rolls.  (Hers, not mine!) As I sat there watching her play, I got so wrapped up in the moment.  It was as if I had literally stopped time and there was no other care in the world for me except watching that sweet baby play in the water.  She was equally content.

I couldn't help but think about my friend and how I bet she wishes more than anything that she could soak in the tub with her babies and not have to think about tumors, radiation, or how her family would go on without her.

In the short time that I battled with my health, I came to a peace where I knew that God was sovereign no matter what and that He would take care of my family with or without me.  Its true, He could...

But thankfully, He has chosen to let me stay.  And if you're reading this, He has chosen to let you stay too.  Why?  What is He using us for?  What is He doing in our lives right now that is useful in loving Him and loving others?  How is He using you in the lives of those around you?  How is He using me in the lives around me? 

I love the fresh perspective that illness and death has the potential to bring.

So quickly, it can leave my mind, and I find myself longing to have it back. 

I get caught up in myself...

Oh, I wish I could lose this weight.  I wonder what he/she thought of me.  I wish he would do this.  I wish I had this.  I wish we could go there.

And the relentless questions can weigh me down.  Until I get a reminder in my inbox.  Or a whisper from my saviour.  It's a reminder that tells me to slow down and enjoy this.   A reminder that time is not a guarantee.  The only moment that is mine is the one I am in right now.  Nothing else is a guarantee. 

What will you do with your now?  What will I do?

Gifts

I was sharing with a friend of mine on Sunday that my pain in my back is doing so good! I was finally to the point where the pain is so minimal that I even forget about it sometimes! I can't tell you how exciting that is!!

Throughout this experience, there have been times where I have felt a real disconnect between my body and my soul. I have come to realize that my body is nothing more than a dwelling place for the spirit inside of me. At the same time, it is an incredible gift from the Lord and I want to take care of it.
So I have been excited to exercise! Never before have I been excited to exercise, but I am now! Where we are staying is on top of a very big hill. It's beautiful. I decided that I was going to walk up and down the hill every day while we are here, or most days, for exercise. So Monday, I ran down the hill and walked up the hill four times. It felt so good! It felt so good to feel the burn in my chest, the tingling in my legs, and the sweat on my skin.

The next day, and today...not so much. My SI area, and my entire back all the way up through my neck is tightened up so stinking bad! How frustrating is that! How frustrating is it to have limitations on the "good" things that I desire to do?!

I'm laying in bad fighting fear and frustration tonight. I feel like a 20 year old, (I'm not 20, obviously, but my mind feels like it!!),  trapped inside of a 70 year old's body!

It's weird though. Sunday night, I was telling God that I kind of missed being in the place of brokenness. Someone told me that I would and I didn't believe them. It's the KNOWING that I am COMPLETELY dependant on the Lord that I missed. I get too confident in my flesh waaay too quickly, and it's as if God reminds me through "suffering" that I am desperate for HIM. I also find myself praying for everyone around me with a feeling a desperation for God to hear my cries when I realize my brokenness. It's a good thing. It's a blessing.

I'm praying for my kids tonight with a fierceness. I want them to know how much God loves them so bad. I want to be a parent the brings them joy and that points them to Jesus and I know I fail horribly at it everyday without God's help. I am a selfish creature and I need God's help so that I can overcome my daily, selfish desires.

Jason shared a message the other day about how God's gift's are always good and perfect. However, to the human eye, they don't always seem that way. We see "hard" things and we think they are bad.  It's not true. His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. I can't pretend to understand everything about our all-knowing, everlasting God. I gave up on that. But I know this, He loves me and He wants to do good things through the pain in my life, and through the pain in your life.  Will you let Him? Please do.

Brokenhearted

I was driving in my car the other day and the song "Hosanna" came on. I had an aha moment. That song was my favorite probably two years ago. I would listen to it and sing my heart out over and over and over. When I sang it, it truly was my hearts desire and prayer to the Lord. The line that screamed to me was, "break my heart for what breaks yours." I meant it. I wanted God to break my heart for what breaks His. I was asking Him to give my eyes and ears like His and to show me a glimpse of How He sees the world. I asked for a broken heart.

Fast forward to Januaryish(I know, not a word...) of 2010 to August 2010. I was broken hearted. I was in so much physical pain every day that I couldn't see past the grimness of it all. I was so confused as to why it was all happening to us. I didn't understand why there were no answers. I didn't understand why such odd, random things were happening to my body that were simply inconceivable to me.

I realized that I had a huge misunderstanding of what sin really is. I wanted cause and effect for every sin, I wanted answers and to be able to make sense of things. Sin is so much bigger than that though. It is an illness, a condition that all of us have and that doesn't answer to rhyme or reason.

So I was broken hearted. I was broken hearted because my body seemed to be failing me and I was heartbroken over the things I was missing out on and by the toll it was taking on my family.

At Pine Cove this year, I entered the craft room for the first time.  I went in with a purpose. I picked out a pretty piece of china, stuck it in a paper bag, and hit it with a hammer as hard as I could over and over again. I broke it into tiny little pieces. It was fabulous.  Then I got a few pieces of pretty tile and did the same thing with them.  I glued some of the pieces back together into this pretty little design.

It was a picture, a reminder for me that my heart was in fact broken, but that God was gluing the pieces back together for me. He was healing me. It was my theme for that season in life. I was raw and wounded. Feeling fragile in every sense of the word, yet held together by the God who loves me.

Fast forward to my ride in the car when Hosanna came on. It hit me like a ton of bricks. God had indeed answered my prayer. My heart had been broken and through my brokenness, God was giving me a glimpse of the pain and suffering that is all around me. He was "breaking my heart for what breaks His." God's heart breaks for His hurting children. His heart breaks when He sees a parent lose a child. His heart breaks when He sees a child being abused, orphaned, or starved. His heart breaks when He sees marriages fail. His heart breaks when cancer spreads through a body. His heart breaks when He sees pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain. Some of us have pain screaming loudly at us, and some of us are "blessed" to have never felt extreme pain before. I'm beginning to see pain through a different lens. It is NOT fun, it is horrible. But God uses it. He uses it to show us His tenderness towards us and He uses it to show us our brokenness. We NEED Him. I've heard it said that pain is God's megaphone. I'm just thankful that a season of physical pain was enough to get me to the point of brokenness. I am a weak, fragile human being and I need the power of God in my life. It is a sad and scary thing when we think we don't need Him. And it is such an overwhelming joy and honor when we realize how much He loves us and wants to help us.

His heart breaks for the brokenhearted. His heart breaks for you. I wonder, will you trust Him to put you back together again?

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

This heart was given to me by a special friend who had no idea what the significance would be to me.

ps. Just an update. My last surgery was August 13. I am still not fully recovered from that because the internal complications I had (being punctured and having enough of a blood build-up that caused me to get two blood transfusions and to bleed for a month) put me back about 6 weeks. However, my back pain has improved immensely! Praise God! I can do so many things that I couldn't do prior to August 13. My body isn't the same as it was before all this and I still am in pain on a very regular basis, but it is bearable. Way more bearable. Like Tylenol and Ibuprofen bearable. Maybe I will heal more and more over the course of time, or maybe I will have this constant reminder of my brokenness by the pain in my body. I'm ok with either one. Well, most days. Every now and then I have a pity party, then I get over it;)! Your love, support, and prayers have been a huge part of carrying us through and we are so, forever thankful! God is good, all the time.

I need you help. Part two.

Wow. Melissa Sing, thank you so much for your email. You encouraged me spiritually and practically. ( And I already have been bulk cooking on good days! I currently have meatloaf, chicken spaghetti, spaghetti and meatballs, and macaroni and cheese frozen ready to be defrosted on a bad day! And I have some Omaha steaks, chicken breasts, and hamburger patties too! Because we don't eat out near as much, I was able to splurge on good steak!!! Don't ever pay full price for Omaha steaks, they always have specials. You can order from them and have a filet, salad, and potatoes at home that is better than any restaurant AND cheaper! Their steaks are amazing!!! And my husband cooks them perfectly:) Ok, enough on that...) But seriously Melissa, thank you.

Last night I had a dream. I was in a war and their were people dying all around me. People that I love. I woke up this morning hit with the stark reality that we ARE in a war. There is a spiritual battle going on all around us. It is a battle for our souls. Satan wants to kill, steal, and destroy us. Jesus Christ came to live and die for us so that He could save us and restore us to God. The bottom line of this short life, and is is short in the perspective of eternity, is just that. Who will we choose? I am looking forward to spending eternity in heaven with my Lord and saviour. It breaks my heart to think that some of the people I love might not be there with me. That's all that matters. We all are going to die. And it's happening fast. Will I fight the battle with a perspective of eternity, or will I give in to defeat and despair?

I read a quote the other day that said, "the power of sin is in the secret." I had a secret that I think pain sucks, and I don't really care what good things might come of it. The truth is that if you tell a person who is in the midst of suffering that good things will come of it, they might just punch you in the face.

I confessed my secret and I believe God reminded me that this time on earth is so fast compared to eternity, and if my suffering helps anyone in anyway to choose truth, to choose eternity with God, and to choose that when they do die in this battle, it's ok because they will move on to be with Jesus, well, I guess it's worth it then. Because it is a battle, and people are dying all around us. It's heartbreaking. I have vivid pictures sketched into my brain from my dream last now of how awful this war is and how awful it is to watch a loved one die not knowing if you will ever see them again.

6 “I have manifested your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word. 7 Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. 8 For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. 9 I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them. 11 And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one. 12 While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. 13 But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves. 14 I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 15 I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. [1] 16 They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 17 Sanctify them [2] in the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. 19 And for their sake I consecrate myself, [3] that they also may be sanctified [4] in truth.

John 17:6-19

This world is not our home, but it is where we are for the time being. Some things suck really bad, but I am choosing again, today, to take heart because I know my God will overcome. And if some things weren't as bad as they are, then it wouldn't really be that big of a deal that God is bigger.

Anyways, thanks for processing with me:)

I need your help.

I surrendered my life to the Lord when I was 20. He has worked miracles in my life and given me so many good things. He is a part of me that I absolutely could not live without.  I love Him and I am beyond extremely thankful for Him. It is my heart's greatest desire that my children grow up to love Him and trust Him. I don't want them to go through this crazy world without Him.

I understand that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. I understand cause and effect. Sometimes people do horrible things to hurt others. Sometimes people have really bad accidents. Sometimes spouses cheat. And the list goes on. These things are all absolutely horrible, but you can trace the cause and effect in them even if the victim was at no fault whatsoever and didn't deserve it.

I am having a really hard time understanding illness though. God makes our bodies. He set up an exact science that is so intricate I can't even wrap my mind around it, to create new life. It's amazing. Why are some of those bodies messed up on the inside that are of no blame to anyone or anything?

I was told today that I may have a spondyloarthropathy disease. Don't ask me how to pronounce that and yes, I had to google it to have the first clue how to spell it. I am getting another MRI that will get a better picture of my SI area, but apparently my symptoms fit the bill for the above, and these diseases are extremely hard to diagnose for various reasons.
The one that keeps coming to the surface the most is ankylosing spondylitis. I guess maybe I will know within the next month or so if I have it, Jason thinks I don't. I'm not so sure. It's a horrible disease. Bottom line is that I could potentially be in chronic pain that only gets worse over time, for the rest of my life. Um, I am a wife. And I have three kids. How am I supposed to do a good job of that if on some days I can't walk? And on other days I can only walk a moderate amount? How am I supposed to home school Dylan in a few months? What the heck? How am I supposed to prepare three meals a day? How am I supposed to bath Sarah in the tub when she outgrows the sink? How is Jason supposed to be able to work full-time and carry the load at home?

What is one to do with this? Why do people get sick? It's a horrible thing that just doesn't seem justifiable. I can't find a reason and a way to make sense of it besides, "this really sucks."  I don't understand how God let's things like this happen. Man, I wish so bad that I could be a super-christian and say that "it's all good," but the truth is, it's not. It sucks.
And quite honestly, I am really struggling with it. There. My secret is out. To everyone. I need your help.

Wether I have an auto-immune disease or not, there are people that do. And there are people who have cancer, and lupus, and degenerative disc disease. The list goes on and on and on. Some of those people die and some live with extreme suffering for decades. 
God, please help me and forgive me for my questions. I need you so desperately and I just don't get this one. I don't understand it. I want to run with my kids. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to take them places. I want to dance and be silly with my husband. I don't want to be sick.


Here's where I need you guys. Please help me out. Please give me any words of encouragement, scripture, or books that you recommend. I don't want any fluffy answers. I need something I can grab on to. Or just pray that I would have the energy to diligently seek God's face. I know He will answer me. I'm just so tired.I don't want to allow satan to take this opportunity to fill my minds with doubts or fears, but I can't do this alone. Please help!


(I have no idea why my font is stuck in italic mode. It's really annoying, sorry.)


I am really looking forward to any hope you can give me. Thank you friends.
 

Update Number 5

These updates might be read by some of you who really want to know, and it might just be more therapeutic for me. Either way, this is update number 5:)

I had a laparoscopy on June 4 to look for endometreiosis. As I have said before, my pain doctor is convinced the my SI issues are secondary to something else, we just can't find what that "something else" is.

                            

My SI joint hurts worse on my right side, but the pain down my leg is worse on my left leg. Go figure. It's very unusual to have BOTH SI Joints inflamed.

So I had surgery and they found a significant amount of endometreosis. Removing it may or may not help with the healing of my joint, either way it's gone and we are praying that it will help.

My stomach is almost completely healed from the surgery. It's pretty amazing how minimally invasive the whole thing was.

My back still hurts though. My doctor said it could take up to a month before my pain completely goes away IF endometreosis was a factor.

A month ago or so, I had an injection to my joint.

                             

While the joint was numb, my pain was significantly less. This was good for diagnostic purposes, but the pain came back as soon as the antisthetic wore off.

So now, since we have diagnostic proof that my joints are the problem, my doctor is going to burn the nerves around my joints so I will not feel the pain and hopefully by the time my nerves grow back, my joint will be healed. This is a HUGE prayer request. Huge, huge, huge.

1. That my body will respond to the treatment.

2. That my joints will be healed by the time the nerves are self-healed.

                              

(sidenote- can you tell by these pictures why walking, twisting, bending, would aggravate things? It does. And it stinks.)

These nerves that you see are the ones that will be treated. The frustrating part is that you have to have two "diagnostic" joint injections before they can do the burning of the nerves. So, I still have to have another set of injections, which makes me extremely sore for three days afterwards. Like "can barely walk sore." And THEN, we can do the burning.

Doctors have hundreds of patients, not just me, unfortunately, so all of this stuff takes so.much.time.  Please pray with us that this process will move along smoothly and QUICKLY!

I have completely weened Sarah so I am able to take Naproxen now, which is working really great for my joint pain. I am taking other medications also for the pain that helps me to be active, but after my window of grace passes by, I get so tired and nauseous. And the pain comes back in full force, especially if I have been too active. It is a constant, daily roller coaster. Please pray for us with that as well. I am really ready for this to be over.

God has been so kind to our family and I feel like we are just having blessings from Him POURED down on us. And He is using His people. Thank you.

Also, I have been so overwhelmed with the pain that screams at me that I have neglected asking for prayer for The Crossing.

Please pray for our family and for the Mosher's as we are diligently working to be a blessing and to minister to the community of Spring Branch/Bulverde Community. We have a few things coming up that I am particularly excited about. One being a Father's Day service followed by a BBQ, a putting green, family time, and a fishing pond. You do not have to attend the service to attend the BBQ. We just want people to come and enjoy themselves and we are hoping that it will be a fun, cool thing for families to do together. (also, it's free!)

We have soccer camp coming up in July for children. It's also free and we are trying to get the word out through fliers, etc. Please pray for these two things to be successful and to be GREATLY blessed by God. If you know any children in that area who might be interested in going to soccer camp, or families who might want to come on Father's Day, let us know!

We start weekly services in September!!! YAY!!

One more thing, please pray for God's perfect timing on the sell of our house and our move as well! It would be great to live IN the area and not 25 miles down the road! But we trust that God knows best and that our family couldn't have survived the last few months without all the help we have received from loved ones.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks for your love, support,  and prayers.

To God be the glory, GREAT things HE has done.

Love,

Mindy

one more thing...if all else fails, this is on our radar...

                             

Update quadrillion...ok four:)

This is the latest...

I had two SI Joint Injections yesterday. They are injections into the joints, which are basically in the  hips, and they contain lidocaine and cortisone. The lidocaine almost immediately numbed my hips, like at the dentist's office. and it was great! My referred pain, or possibly referred pain, possibly unrelated pain, down my leg was unaffected. It still hurt. The pain in my lower back/obliques/sides was numbed a little. So...with my hips numb, even though the other pain remained, I was able to walk fast with no pain! It was great! I ran (not really, there is now way I could run right now), into Wal-Mart to pick up something and I felt like I was racing compared to how slow I have been walking lately! It was super exciting!!

The only way I know how to describe it is that it is sort of like the shock absorbers in my hips aren't working. So every step, and sitting, feels like my weight is jamming my hips. Yesterday it was numb for several hours. Like I used to feel.

Well, just like at the dentist's office, the lidocaine wore off. The prayer now is that the cortisone will reduce the inflammation and that my hips will be less painful again. Then, I don't really know what to do about the leg and back pain. Hopefully that would follow??

Also, I am cramping and having abdominal pain, so I am strongly considering a laparoscopic surgery to check for endometreosis because it is the only way endometreosis can be diagnosed. I have an OB/GYN on standby ready to do that, I just have to be prepared for it to possibly fix part of the problem only, or none of the problem. The doctor said there is a 50% chance that it could help, however, I would still have the joint issue to deal with. Here is the deal though, endometreosis can also cause leg pain and lower back pain, which was virtually unaffected yesterday with the injections. Should the leg pain relief be immediate or over time after injections? Still so many questions and variables. Who knew the human body was so complex??

I am scheduling an appointment to a rhuematologist that was highly recommended to me by my chiropractor. Hopefully that will be soon.

So there you go! Those are the latest details. Thanks for your love and support.I'm going back to bed!

Love,

Mindy