Living in the Now

I am keeping up with several people through CaringBridge right now.  If you don't know what CaringBridge, that's a good thing.  It's a website where friends and family can keep up with loved ones who have cancer, a premature birth, or any other serious illness. 

I also have a blog friend who just battled hard with cancer.

Its interesting...when my blog friend announced to us that she had cancer, I never would have thought that I would have come close to losing my own life while she fought for hers.  I had never been diagnosed with anything that could potentially be terminal, so naturally, when/if someone else did, I assumed her life on this earth would be over before mine was. 

We all do, right.  Deep down, we know intellectually that we could get in a car accident today and never wake up at home again, or we could be attending a rally when a criminal open fires on the crowd, or we could have a heart attack and never kiss our spouse goodnight again.  But we don't really think it will happen to us.  It's easy to go through the motions of life and never really acknowledge that the end could be near for us as well.  Well, atleast not if we consider ourselves to be healthy. 

Something changed for me when I found myself in the hospital, not once, but twice, hemorrhaging without a doctor in sight being able to diagnose the reason why my body would not stop bleeding.  For what felt like eternity.

I realized that no matter how healthy we appear to be today, tomorrow might be a whole other story. 

Yesterday I got a Caring Bridge update that one of the sweet ladies I am praying for, who is a mother of two small children, has a new tumor on her brain. 

Shortly after I got the update, I found myself soaking in the tub with my sweet Sarah.  I love that cute little naked body, covered in dimples and rolls.  (Hers, not mine!) As I sat there watching her play, I got so wrapped up in the moment.  It was as if I had literally stopped time and there was no other care in the world for me except watching that sweet baby play in the water.  She was equally content.

I couldn't help but think about my friend and how I bet she wishes more than anything that she could soak in the tub with her babies and not have to think about tumors, radiation, or how her family would go on without her.

In the short time that I battled with my health, I came to a peace where I knew that God was sovereign no matter what and that He would take care of my family with or without me.  Its true, He could...

But thankfully, He has chosen to let me stay.  And if you're reading this, He has chosen to let you stay too.  Why?  What is He using us for?  What is He doing in our lives right now that is useful in loving Him and loving others?  How is He using you in the lives of those around you?  How is He using me in the lives around me? 

I love the fresh perspective that illness and death has the potential to bring.

So quickly, it can leave my mind, and I find myself longing to have it back. 

I get caught up in myself...

Oh, I wish I could lose this weight.  I wonder what he/she thought of me.  I wish he would do this.  I wish I had this.  I wish we could go there.

And the relentless questions can weigh me down.  Until I get a reminder in my inbox.  Or a whisper from my saviour.  It's a reminder that tells me to slow down and enjoy this.   A reminder that time is not a guarantee.  The only moment that is mine is the one I am in right now.  Nothing else is a guarantee. 

What will you do with your now?  What will I do?