To Live is Christ

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:4

In the past, I have looked at this verse and thought that in order for me to get to the hope part of this verse, I needed to endure and do a "good" job at suffering. I thought that I had to keep a smile on my face, and stay positive no matter what was going on around me and in me. Last year at this time, there were many days where I had no joy or hope. I felt defeated and I did not have the energy to pretend that I was enjoying the suffering that our family endured. At times, I was scared to talk to my friends because I didn't want them to hear how upset I was at our circumstances and that even though I loved the Lord, I didn't really trust Him at the moment, and in fact, I questioned His heart.

What I have learned is that God isn't afraid of those questions. He isn't afraid or intimidated by the hard questions that we sometimes ask of Him. He doesn't get offended and cower away from us for fear of being hurt. He is SO MUCH BIGGER than I ever gave Him credit for.

To me, I thought suffering well meant being a Polly Anna.

I feel like, in this season, I am to the hope part. I have learned that surrendering to myself, coming to the absolute end of myself, and seeking the Lord from a different angle other than the surface level "God is good and He has done so many good things in my life," HE brought me to the hope and endurance through suffering. It wasn't/isn't something I did. It was something Jesus did. He brought me through suffering and gave me endurance, character, and hope. It was 100 percent a work of HIM, not anything I was/am capable of doing.

I love how God did indeed, use suffering to strip me of my self-sufficiency and of my pride. He showed me that I was/am absolutely incapable of controlling my life. EVERY gift, from the breath I am taking right now, to the financial provision of our family, to the ability to love my family well, EVERY GIFT is indeed a GIFT from Him.

Thank you Jesus. This verse has been on my heart the last several days. I'm really trying to embrace what it means.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philipians 1:21

I have a strong desire and excitement to be in Heaven with Jesus. I know everything about an eternal life with the Lord and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will surpass this world. I am excited about it.  Very excited about it. When I see all the things in this world that are falling apart, I am hopeful that the end is drawing near.  I want suffering and pain to come to an end.

However, as strong as that desire is, I am still here.  And I think the desire to leave is a little bit selfish.

So for me to live, is to do a work for Christ. Not because that is how I get Him to love me. Not so that I can prove myself to others. But because for me to live on this earth, is to be a servant of Jesus Christ. It is my joy and honor to cling so tightly to Jesus that others will benefit from it. It starts in my home, and I am so passionate about pointing my kids to their perfect father in Heaven. For me to die would be a personal gain, but for me to stay here...means to be disciplined in  the task I have before me. It's an honor, it's a privilege to serve the Lord.  And I want to be an agent here on the Earth that leads others to enter into a relationship with Jesus. I want to be used so that more and more people will have the security and hope of an eternal life worshiping our creator.

Dear Jesus, help me to remember, even when things are hard, that my time on this earth is limited. One day, I will be in Heaven with you, but until that day, please help me to be mindful of all the people in my life and in my influence, who do not yet know you. Please be working in the hearts around me and give me opportunities to share your love for them, with them. I love you Jesus. Amen.