So you know that journey I talked about? With the different kinds of people and stages?? I had some great time in a friend's living room today. One who is in a different place on her journey and who gave me much insight. It was cool.
I am part of the, "yes, it hurts, but it is being controlled and I would rather not talk about it club." (The catch is that if no-one ever asked me, I would probably feel unloved. Women.) You know, like how when you have a kid and almost instantly you become a part of the, "I am a mom, hear me roar club." Or when you share any common experience with someone, you immediately feel this bond because you know how the other person feels or what they are going through. Jason and I are a part of the, "my husband is unemployed club." (He isn't unemployed right now, but he has been in the past.) And several others. But my most recent club is the, "yes, it hurts."
So this friend, she has been in pain for years. As she put it, "it has become a way of life for her." Goodness. I don't even know what else to say.
Last night, I met a girl who said, "two years ago I was in an accident and my back has never been the same. The heating pad is my best friend." Awesome. (note sarcasm)
That's what I am chewing on today. Still tapping into God's grace and maybe, just maybe, to the place where I am thankful for this experience because of the things it is teaching me. The people who I am connecting with and whom I will connect with in the future.
God IS good, all the time. Life still goes on and we learn and grow from all the things that are in our path. We always have a choice. Stay on the ground face flat or get up and keep walking, in whatever capacity we are able to, and chat with the other people on the trail. To hear about what's going on with them! I choose the latter!
I am thankful that my husband is not a part of the, "my wife passed away from postpartum complications club."
I am thankful for that, too!!! Mindy. Friend. You are so loved. He is speaking to you through others, and you are listening, and the gratitude will spill forth... I pray it ministers to you and changes you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you!
Mindy, I totally get this. I don't know if you remember or not, but I have had three back surgeries. I have degenerative disc disorder that was inherited from my father. I know exactly what you are feeling. The pain, the frustration, and the annoyance of it all. I understand wanting to do things so bad that should not be that difficult, like put on your own socks and shoes or picking up your children (nieces and nephews in my case), or even things that are a little more difficult for someone "normal" (and by normal I mean without back pains) but you just can't and if you decide to go ahead and do it, you pay for it later. I think what makes it worse is that we are young and we, along with others, think that we should not be going through this. I know that people have questioned my back pain before and that hurts having people think that you are making it up, but until you have dealt with it yourself, you have no idea. I have just learned to ignore their ignorance and not let it get to me. I still deal with "spells." In fact I have been going through one the last week. I have had to come to terms with the fact that is something that I am going to have to live with and deal with for the rest of my life, so I have no choice but to not let it control me as much as possible. I have to take the good with the bad and make the most of those good days and be thankful for them. Just know that you are not alone, there are lots of us that share with you on this and understand the many emotions that you are feeling right now. I hope this helps you some. I am here if you need words of encouragement or just need someone to vent to. Hang in there and be the strong woman that you are. Things will get better!
ReplyDeleteOh Heather. I wouldn't have remembered this, but now that you mention it, it does strike as familiar. It does help me for you to share. It is crazy the amount of people out there with pain that I was so unaware of.
ReplyDeleteI have wondered what people think of me, if they think I am making up or exaggerating. It is such a hard thing because you can't *see* pain. You may look at me and think I seem to be alright, I know I have judged others in the past by what the looked like over what they were saying. But that is what medication is for, and unless you live with me or are very close to me, (Jason, my mom, my sister, etc), you don't see me laying in bed crying, etc. But yeah, I have gotten to the point where I just had to tell myself, "oh well." It doesn't matter.
I am praying that this is something I don't have to live with forever because you are right, it is so hard not being able to do the things that we "should" be able to do! I can't run, I can't wrestle with the boys, etc. BUT there are still many things that I can do and I am working on training my mind. It's so hard. We ARE so young.
I feel like it's not only me that is experiencing the pain, but my family is getting shortchanged. I hate that part of it. I hate it that I am not "whole" for Jason and the kids.
Insert training of the mind*** God's grace is enough...for myself, Jason, and the kids. God is sovereign. God CAN heal. I have so much to be thankful for. I GET to be HIS WiFE and THEIR MOM! I am ALIVE! ONe day we will all be whole. It could be so much worse! I am connecting with so many people that I never would have otherwise. Suffering tests our faith and produces endurance. ***
Oh, it just hurts so stinkin' bad!