Why?

So, I have never been an angry person. And I don't like the way it feels. I don't like the desperation of it. I don't like feeling like I want to punch my hand through the wall because that would feel better. But that's how I feel sometimes lately. That's how I feel right now. At 5 am, Sarah woke up, and I haven't been able to go back to sleep because my back feels like it is about to break in half. I don't understand. Why is it so stinking hard to fix this? Why can't someone figure it out and make it better?
I tell myself that I need to trust the Lord and that I should be thankful to be alive. I know so many people right now who are going through things that are so much worse than this, but that would be logical.
Pain isn't logical.
I have this picture in my head of God reaching his hand into my back and just wiping over whatever is going wrong. And fixing it like with an airbrush or something. I am begging Him to do that. And I am begging Him to help me deal with it if He doesn't.
I am terrified of my back not getting better. I am heartbroken that I can't play with my kids like I would like to right now and I am terrified that I never will be able to again. I really want to pick up my boys and twirl them around. I want to wrestle with them. Lay on the couch with them without acting like a fragile piece of glass.
Please don't tell me that I should be happy to be alive.  Please don't tell me that I should be happy. Or to think positive. I am trying. I am really trying. God, please help me.