Every time I have gone through something "big" in my life, I fight believing that God truly is in control at first. Whatever it is, whether it has been longing for a husband, being jobless/pregnant/and homeless(we lived w/my parents bc our job/church was blown up before our eyes by discovering corruption outside of our control), or being in debilitating pain for months on end with no hard evidence of an end in sight, or fill in the blank. I know intellectually that God is in control, but emotionally, I fight it. It's too hard to accept, and I long for a change in circumstances, that I just wrestle. It doesn't really feel like wrestling with God all the time, sometimes it does, but every time, it's just the feeling of unrest. Of wanting change. Then finally, I come to the point of acceptance and truly believing that God IS in control and He wants good things for me, and His peace washes over me. I think in this particular struggle, I have gone back and forth a lot.
It's summertime now and summer is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE time of year. I LOVE having fun in the sun. I LOVE swimming, I LOVE going to the lake, LOVE going to the beach, Sea World, you name it. I love it. All of it. Passing through the past few seasons of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, etc. with no real celebrating or interaction with the outside world has been tough, but not as tough as the thought of waking up soon and summer being gone. I love summer. I want to engage summer. This summer. But with my timeline of healing and future injections, realistically, I know summer may be past us in the blink of an eye and I may not have a tan from playing in the sun with the kids.
It could be so much worse. I know that. But it's still sad.
Anyways, I'm trying to get to the point of acceptance, but if only it were as simple as telling myself intellectually. I wish it was. I should know from times in the past that I will be thankful for all the HUGE things God taught our family through this. I always am when it's said and done. I know He is doing a HUGE work in our family, and I am thankful for the depth in my soul and spirit that He has taken me to that could be accomplished by no other way.He's doing a huge work in the kids and in Jason as well. I truly am thankful.
But I also want to go play in the sun!!!!! Dang it!!
all my love and the biggest hug to you sister! I know exactly the place you're talking about, the place between what we know in our heads, God's truth, and what we feel in the moment. I'm so glad God can handle my weakness and that He uses hardship to draw us closer to Himself. Nothing in our lives goes unused, praise the Lord! Satan, you have no victory! God will bring you to sunny summer play again sister, I have faith! Rest in where He has you now and take pleasure in the simple things, count your blessings even when you don't feel like it, that always helps me:).
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