I understand that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. I understand cause and effect. Sometimes people do horrible things to hurt others. Sometimes people have really bad accidents. Sometimes spouses cheat. And the list goes on. These things are all absolutely horrible, but you can trace the cause and effect in them even if the victim was at no fault whatsoever and didn't deserve it.
I am having a really hard time understanding illness though. God makes our bodies. He set up an exact science that is so intricate I can't even wrap my mind around it, to create new life. It's amazing. Why are some of those bodies messed up on the inside that are of no blame to anyone or anything?
I was told today that I may have a spondyloarthropathy disease. Don't ask me how to pronounce that and yes, I had to google it to have the first clue how to spell it. I am getting another MRI that will get a better picture of my SI area, but apparently my symptoms fit the bill for the above, and these diseases are extremely hard to diagnose for various reasons.
The one that keeps coming to the surface the most is ankylosing spondylitis. I guess maybe I will know within the next month or so if I have it, Jason thinks I don't. I'm not so sure. It's a horrible disease. Bottom line is that I could potentially be in chronic pain that only gets worse over time, for the rest of my life. Um, I am a wife. And I have three kids. How am I supposed to do a good job of that if on some days I can't walk? And on other days I can only walk a moderate amount? How am I supposed to home school Dylan in a few months? What the heck? How am I supposed to prepare three meals a day? How am I supposed to bath Sarah in the tub when she outgrows the sink? How is Jason supposed to be able to work full-time and carry the load at home?
What is one to do with this? Why do people get sick? It's a horrible thing that just doesn't seem justifiable. I can't find a reason and a way to make sense of it besides, "this really sucks." I don't understand how God let's things like this happen. Man, I wish so bad that I could be a super-christian and say that "it's all good," but the truth is, it's not. It sucks.
And quite honestly, I am really struggling with it. There. My secret is out. To everyone. I need your help.
Wether I have an auto-immune disease or not, there are people that do. And there are people who have cancer, and lupus, and degenerative disc disease. The list goes on and on and on. Some of those people die and some live with extreme suffering for decades.
God, please help me and forgive me for my questions. I need you so desperately and I just don't get this one. I don't understand it. I want to run with my kids. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to take them places. I want to dance and be silly with my husband. I don't want to be sick.
Here's where I need you guys. Please help me out. Please give me any words of encouragement, scripture, or books that you recommend. I don't want any fluffy answers. I need something I can grab on to. Or just pray that I would have the energy to diligently seek God's face. I know He will answer me. I'm just so tired.I don't want to allow satan to take this opportunity to fill my minds with doubts or fears, but I can't do this alone. Please help!
(I have no idea why my font is stuck in italic mode. It's really annoying, sorry.)
I am really looking forward to any hope you can give me. Thank you friends.
go outside and shake your fist at God. yell at Him. He already hears you screaming on the inside. then send Jason to the dollar store to buy 5 glass plates. when he gets home....put your children safely inside and then go outside alone and while yelling at God and confessing your fears to Him...throw the plates and break them into a million pieces. then as your precious hubby cleans that mess up....pray and tell God you know He loves you...say it outloud so that you can remind yourself. you should feel some immediate relief sister :)
ReplyDeleteLee Strobel, in "The Case for Faith," states, "We may suffer ourselves with persistent pain or aching loss or seemingly hopeless circumstances, and we wonder: Why doesn't God help?" Later in this book Lee interviews a man named Dr. Kreeft. Dr. Kreeft asks a very bold question: "How can a mere finite human be sure that infinite wisdom would not tolerate certain short-range evils [insert pain/suffering here as well] in order for more long-range goods that we couldn't foresee?" I think God has an amazing plan for your life. You will be able to touch others' lives that you otherwise would never be able to if it were not for your pain/suffering. God has chosen YOU because He knows YOU are strong enough to endure this difficult trial. Wow! What a compliment from our Lord!
ReplyDeleteThere is a song by Ginny Owens that always helps me through difficult times. It is called "If You Want Me To." The words are:
"The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remeber the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to"
One more note and then I'll let you go. Please go read Joni Eareckson Tada's tesimony. It will give you hope through this hard time.
Love in Christ!
Misty, I love your idea! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, who is this?? I am trusting that God will be patient with me while I go in and out of accepting the, "short-term trials for a long-term greater good." I believe it intellectually, but when my pain is so intense and I am so emotionally heartbroken, that phrase almost seems mean. I'm asking God to help me. Thanks for your encouragement and belief in me. I sometimes think God messed up when He picked me! I don't believe that I am strong enough. That's just the truth.
I apologize if that quote seemed mean. I was hoping the opposite. :( But now that I re-read it I can absolutely see how it can come across that way! Yikes! Please forgive me!!!
ReplyDeleteI know it must be hard to be in constant pain. I have never been there myself. So, my words seem futile. But please know that I have been and will continue to pray for healing emotionally and physically. I pray God surrounds you with encouragement and His people. I pray you will find comfort/joy/peace during your trial.
If you don't mind I would prefer to stay anonymous. ;)
Sister-In-Christ
Mindy, after reading this I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement/insight.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you have to realize that we live in a cursed world. When Adam sinned in the garden he, and all of us fell under the curse. Although 'we have been redeemed from the curse" (Galatians 3:13) we do still live in a world that is cursed. So sickness will come, but we have overcome it because He overcame for us!
It is so easy to just think that God is putting the sickness on you because if you thought that then you wouldn't want to fight against God and you would just accept it. But God didn't put the sickness on you, the devil did (or is trying to make you accept it)!
The Word says that the 'just should live by faith' (Romans 1:17) and that is not always easy BUT we always win, IF WE DON'T QUIT! God will never leave us, nor forsake us (Heb 13:5).
You have to 'resist the devil, and he WILL flee from you' james 4:7. It is not always easy to resist the devil, but 'His grace is sufficient for you' (2 corinthians 12:9) and "you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength' (phil 4:13)
Just remember, the devil is trying to mess with you because you are a threat to him. Don't give in to his lies. Remember that Jesus died for you, not only to forgive your sins but to heal your body. Receive that healing by faith and don't let any lie from the devil, no matter how real it may seem move you off of your faith!
I hope this has helped you.
Dear anonymous,
ReplyDeleteNo need to apoligize. I did not think you were trying to be mean, I know you are encouraging me. I just meant in general that right now, I am really struggling with that. Imagine having the flu, or something like that everyday for the rest of your life. That's where I am at right now and I am just having a hard time accepting it. I know it. And I myself have said it many times. But I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around feeling this constant pain for potentially for the rest of my life. And being on medications.
Ciara,
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Mindy - honey I am believing that God is going to heal you in the near future and I will not stop believing in faith, ever for that. I have given you a book and I seek answers from God on your behalf but all I can say from my heart is how sorry that I am, that I love you and no matter what I know that God loves you also and that he will "hear your cry" and one day soon you will rejoice again. Until then I ask for your faith to be increased to believe upon him for all things - one moment at a time.
ReplyDelete