I let Jason sleep in and it felt so good to sneak out of bed quietly to let him get some extra rest for once. He's worked his tail off lately. He has even fed me a few times this week! There have been days where my body hurts too bad to move, but I know I need to eat so my prince charming stands by the bed and feeds me scrambled eggs.
...So, I only took two naps today, and I even drove myself to Walgreens. I felt all grown up! But then, right after dinnertime, I got hit with ferocious pain that I could not get under control. I got Sarah to bed as quickly as I possibly could and came straight to bed. I was so mad. And sad. I switched between heating pad and ice pack, heating pad and ice pack, heating pad and ice pack, and here I am still in bed awake for some reason.
I don't look forward to going to sleep at night because I know I will only sleep for a couple of hours and then wake up because of this annoying pain, toss and turn, and then maybe fall asleep, but only to have horrible dreams. I keep having these dreams where I am running and running, and I'm so tired and scared, and oftentimes someone is chasing me. It's really weird. I don't like it. Last night I was carrying Sarah in my dream and it was so hard to run while I was holding her. And the boys were running with some guy who was supposed to be watching them, but he wasn't really paying attention to them and I was yelling at him to keep track of the boys.
I keep going through this cycle of emotions that just repeats itself over and over.
Sometimes I am so sad and I can't stop crying. Then I get really pissed and I yell at everyone. Then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself. Then I am thankful beyond words for the ways people are helping us. Then I want to call off all the help because it feels so ridiculous to be getting all this help. I can do this!! I can take care of my family. Then the pain hits me so hard and I realize that I can't do this. And I am so mad that other people have to help me just to get through the days with my kids. And then I get to play a game of spider-man memory with the boys, or cuddle with them. Or Jason comes and stands by my bedside and I get to feel his skin. And so it goes.
The hospital stay was really rough. Complete with internal bleeding, two more blood transfusions, and a period of about 10 hours where the morphine did not work on me for some reason and I was screaming in pain. Followed by being curled up in a ball in my bed for hours on end too weak to open my eyes because of the blood loss. I hope I never have to go to a hospital again.
Sarah is nine months now. That means for nine months, we have been absorbed by things like doctors visits, prescriptions, side effects, bleeding, surgeries, pain, blood counts, pik lines, CT scans, MRI's, injections, ultrasounds, and the list goes on.
And somehow intertwined with inexpressible joy, memories, thankfulness, and depth that I am forever grateful for.
I feel God so close to me that simple prayer brings me to tears. Today Drew recited a memory verse to Jason and I that he learned at camp. I had no idea that he had it memorized. I was so proud of that boy. He is something else.
The boys have started sleeping in Dylan's top bunk together. It's so cute to see them curled up next to each other. Drew is scared all by himself on the bottom bunk so Dylan, being the good big brother that he is, lets Drew sleep up top with him.
Dylan has been saying that he doesn't like being the big brother. He says it is "boring!" He say's it's boring to have a little brother that wants to be like him. I don't see how that is "boring." But if that's his biggest complaint, I think we are doing ok.
Ok, well enough rambling for now. I think I am tired enough to go to sleep. Good night friends. I love y'all.
I love you Mindy. Mom
ReplyDeleteI had no clue you were going through so much. Hang in there, it won't last forever. Your family is beautiful! Just want you to know we're thinking of you.
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