Brokenhearted

I was driving in my car the other day and the song "Hosanna" came on. I had an aha moment. That song was my favorite probably two years ago. I would listen to it and sing my heart out over and over and over. When I sang it, it truly was my hearts desire and prayer to the Lord. The line that screamed to me was, "break my heart for what breaks yours." I meant it. I wanted God to break my heart for what breaks His. I was asking Him to give my eyes and ears like His and to show me a glimpse of How He sees the world. I asked for a broken heart.

Fast forward to Januaryish(I know, not a word...) of 2010 to August 2010. I was broken hearted. I was in so much physical pain every day that I couldn't see past the grimness of it all. I was so confused as to why it was all happening to us. I didn't understand why there were no answers. I didn't understand why such odd, random things were happening to my body that were simply inconceivable to me.

I realized that I had a huge misunderstanding of what sin really is. I wanted cause and effect for every sin, I wanted answers and to be able to make sense of things. Sin is so much bigger than that though. It is an illness, a condition that all of us have and that doesn't answer to rhyme or reason.

So I was broken hearted. I was broken hearted because my body seemed to be failing me and I was heartbroken over the things I was missing out on and by the toll it was taking on my family.

At Pine Cove this year, I entered the craft room for the first time.  I went in with a purpose. I picked out a pretty piece of china, stuck it in a paper bag, and hit it with a hammer as hard as I could over and over again. I broke it into tiny little pieces. It was fabulous.  Then I got a few pieces of pretty tile and did the same thing with them.  I glued some of the pieces back together into this pretty little design.

It was a picture, a reminder for me that my heart was in fact broken, but that God was gluing the pieces back together for me. He was healing me. It was my theme for that season in life. I was raw and wounded. Feeling fragile in every sense of the word, yet held together by the God who loves me.

Fast forward to my ride in the car when Hosanna came on. It hit me like a ton of bricks. God had indeed answered my prayer. My heart had been broken and through my brokenness, God was giving me a glimpse of the pain and suffering that is all around me. He was "breaking my heart for what breaks His." God's heart breaks for His hurting children. His heart breaks when He sees a parent lose a child. His heart breaks when He sees a child being abused, orphaned, or starved. His heart breaks when He sees marriages fail. His heart breaks when cancer spreads through a body. His heart breaks when He sees pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain. Some of us have pain screaming loudly at us, and some of us are "blessed" to have never felt extreme pain before. I'm beginning to see pain through a different lens. It is NOT fun, it is horrible. But God uses it. He uses it to show us His tenderness towards us and He uses it to show us our brokenness. We NEED Him. I've heard it said that pain is God's megaphone. I'm just thankful that a season of physical pain was enough to get me to the point of brokenness. I am a weak, fragile human being and I need the power of God in my life. It is a sad and scary thing when we think we don't need Him. And it is such an overwhelming joy and honor when we realize how much He loves us and wants to help us.

His heart breaks for the brokenhearted. His heart breaks for you. I wonder, will you trust Him to put you back together again?

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

This heart was given to me by a special friend who had no idea what the significance would be to me.

ps. Just an update. My last surgery was August 13. I am still not fully recovered from that because the internal complications I had (being punctured and having enough of a blood build-up that caused me to get two blood transfusions and to bleed for a month) put me back about 6 weeks. However, my back pain has improved immensely! Praise God! I can do so many things that I couldn't do prior to August 13. My body isn't the same as it was before all this and I still am in pain on a very regular basis, but it is bearable. Way more bearable. Like Tylenol and Ibuprofen bearable. Maybe I will heal more and more over the course of time, or maybe I will have this constant reminder of my brokenness by the pain in my body. I'm ok with either one. Well, most days. Every now and then I have a pity party, then I get over it;)! Your love, support, and prayers have been a huge part of carrying us through and we are so, forever thankful! God is good, all the time.