Throughout this experience, there have been times where I have felt a real disconnect between my body and my soul. I have come to realize that my body is nothing more than a dwelling place for the spirit inside of me. At the same time, it is an incredible gift from the Lord and I want to take care of it.
So I have been excited to exercise! Never before have I been excited to exercise, but I am now! Where we are staying is on top of a very big hill. It's beautiful. I decided that I was going to walk up and down the hill every day while we are here, or most days, for exercise. So Monday, I ran down the hill and walked up the hill four times. It felt so good! It felt so good to feel the burn in my chest, the tingling in my legs, and the sweat on my skin.
The next day, and today...not so much. My SI area, and my entire back all the way up through my neck is tightened up so stinking bad! How frustrating is that! How frustrating is it to have limitations on the "good" things that I desire to do?!
I'm laying in bad fighting fear and frustration tonight. I feel like a 20 year old, (I'm not 20, obviously, but my mind feels like it!!), trapped inside of a 70 year old's body!
It's weird though. Sunday night, I was telling God that I kind of missed being in the place of brokenness. Someone told me that I would and I didn't believe them. It's the KNOWING that I am COMPLETELY dependant on the Lord that I missed. I get too confident in my flesh waaay too quickly, and it's as if God reminds me through "suffering" that I am desperate for HIM. I also find myself praying for everyone around me with a feeling a desperation for God to hear my cries when I realize my brokenness. It's a good thing. It's a blessing.
I'm praying for my kids tonight with a fierceness. I want them to know how much God loves them so bad. I want to be a parent the brings them joy and that points them to Jesus and I know I fail horribly at it everyday without God's help. I am a selfish creature and I need God's help so that I can overcome my daily, selfish desires.
Jason shared a message the other day about how God's gift's are always good and perfect. However, to the human eye, they don't always seem that way. We see "hard" things and we think they are bad. It's not true. His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. I can't pretend to understand everything about our all-knowing, everlasting God. I gave up on that. But I know this, He loves me and He wants to do good things through the pain in my life, and through the pain in your life. Will you let Him? Please do.
Mindy that is a "very big hill". You are "better" and God is "healing" you from a horrific trama but there is a "process" for conditioning your body in physical assertion. Take "baby steps" ok sweetie - no more "mountains" (especially numerous times) until your body is completely well. Take it from "many", our minds supercede our body condition and injuries occur. Thus, a building process is necessary for restored physical endurance. It sounds like you sent your body into shock. It will be ok - I am sure that God just saved you from worse injury. Too much, too fast. It will be ok, it will be ok.
ReplyDeleteThank you mom. I will take your advice! (I've been forced to!!) I love you.
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