In my shoes...

"In my shoes" is a weekly series that is updated every Thursday. I hope you enjoy the following post and that like me, you will learn more about a different walk of life, which will help you to love better! We love comments or likes and would love to have you follow this series with us. We have some amazing women and amazing topics to share. If you have something YOU would like to write about, please contact me!

If you travel from Denver to Johannesburg you’ll cover a  9589 mile expanse of land and water. You’ll cross the north atlantic and the south atlantic and both the tropics.  You will completely switch hemispheres – and your Christmas will be celebrated in the heat of summer and Fourth of July (which of course is not celebrated at all) will fall in the dead of winter.  You’ll appear to lose eight hours of your life and while America’s asleep, you’ll be awake.

But the magnitude of  my journey is not  measured in miles, or calendar holidays or even by waking and sleeping.

It is even hard to give an account of this journey (or of any journey for that matter) – because it is so difficult to calculate where it begins and where it ends – but I will do my best.

I was born on April 27^th, 1981 to a Welsh mother and South Africa father.  Right after I was born, my parents purchased a large farm in the country with a cow shed and for the first 3 years of my life we lived in that cow shed as my father built  our house.  It was here, in that house on the farm that  South Africa became my first love. Her effervescence was like a drug that infected my soul.  She sparkled and she danced, and to me, everything about her was beautiful.  I loved the contours of her landscape and the way she smelled.

My mom

View from our house

The house my dad built - the cow shed became the living room

The back of our house

We’d get up early on Saturdays – and Caroline (our African housekeeper who I adored as my mother) would cook a full fry-up. We’d start with mielie porridge (African corn porridge like cream of wheat) with fresh cream from the neighboring farm and then we’d move on to fried eggs and bacon, tomatoes, baked beans, steak and potatoes.  Dad would go to work – and we would have the day to explore.   We lived far from the city  - sometimes friends would spend the weekend – but most often it was me and my brother and the African gardeners children.  Language was hard – but exploring formed a common bond without the need to talk.

Me and caroline

We’d start out in the “dump” where all the old farm scraps (wood and corrugated iron) were kept – we’d build forts and factories and we’d stay out all day hunting river crabs and snakes.   If we were hungry we might pack a knapsack with goodies and sit on top of the 30ft water tower and watch life go by.  We wouldn’t come in until 6 – tired, dirty and barefoot – but without a care in the world.

Hunting on the farm

 Dad was a mountaineer and trained with mountain rescue.  Sometimes he’d take the family to Magaliesberg for the weekend and camp.  How I loved the dry orange landscape, the warm air that enveloped me and the sounds – the tok tokktijie beetles and the kookaburra birds.  We’d walk for miles – carry in all our food – and then we’d suddenly descend into a kloof (a small narrow canyon with a river) and we’d get to swim in the cool crisp water that hardly ever gets to see the sun.  I loved the silence – just the sound of Africa breathing!! 

Daddy & our pet fox

My brother and I

Me in a kloof

 I loved everything about South Africa.  But, young love is carefree and easy!

Muddy pool - me in my polly otter floater

 And as I grew up I became aware of South Africa’s ugliness.  In 1948 the National Party established a stringent apartheid regime that systematically formalized segregation and racism through the passing of law.  The laws curtailed the rights of all “non-whites” in South Africa while minority rule by “white people” was maintained.  Apartheid sparked significant internal unrest and violence as well as a long trade embargo against South Africa as other countries began to take note. The Apartheid regime, like many systems of that nature, was exceptionally efficient, running a rigorous social infrastructure and vigilant secret police.  Since the 1980s, a series of popular uprisings and protests were met with the banning of opposition and imprisoning of anti-apartheid leaders. As unrest spread and became more violent, state organizations responded with increasing repression and state-sponsored violence. Car hi-jackings and violent break-in and theft were all too common in and around Johannesburg. Rape and murder became commonplace. In 1987, my dad built  a 10 ft electric fence around all the houses on our farm.  He installed alarm systems in our home as well as a large iron gate between the bedrooms and the rest of the house to ensure our safety.  At this point, with a now corrupt and crumbling infrastructure – security became each man for himself.  There were no reliable emergency response teams – the police could not be counted on. 

At age 8, I learned how to shoot - the same year I gave my life to Christ.

I grew up in a Christian home.  We went to church every Sunday. If there was one thing that defined my worship experience in South Africa, it was the awareness and acknowledgment of the Holy Spirit.   The continent as a whole fully admits to the presence of a powerful spiritual realm – for some it is the demonic, dark side including witch doctory, ancestry worship and voodoo – but very few need convincing that the realm exists.  Growing up I experienced some of the most amazing movement of the Holy Spirit – healing, dancing and authentic worship. 

I attended a Christian junior school and for academic reasons, a Catholic high school where I was exposed to “dead” performance – based church.  Without a clear understanding of my faith – this was the start of  a slow drifting that would last almost 10 years.

Me reading on a blanket on the front lawn

 And so the country I loved – I hated!!  I lived in this strange world caught in the space between compassion and fear.  Knowing and not knowing.   Belief and unbelief. I lived in the system, I benefited from the system – did this make me a culprit in this crime?

In 1994, after almost 40 years of oppression – South Africa held it’s first multi-racial democratic election and Nelson Mandela became the President of a New South Africa. But vestiges of apartheid continued to shape South African politics and society.   The violence and crime continued.

Philemon and dad

Philemon, George and my dad packing the container for our move to America

It is hard to describe the moment my family decided to move to America – I guess in some ways like it’s hard to define salvation as a moment.

The truck and trailer backing out of the electric gate

The truck backing down the driveway with a full container

 A series of violent events pushed my Dad to the point that he had to make a decision for the safety of his family.

My dad and his forging hammer

In 1999, I left my first love.

Like an abusive relationship - the break-up was messy.

Moving on was painfully difficult.  America presented a new life – in which I seemingly and theoretically could and would fit quit neatly!    

My family - our first year in America

 But I felt like I had left myself 9589 miles away.  My identity was hard to find. I was a novelty without commonality.   I talked differently, my understanding of normal social interactions was different, even my jokes were different – and it isn’t fun when nobody laughs! 

For almost five years I tried to find myself and my purpose. I was an outsider and I was different and I sought solace in so many things.  The resulting wreckage was immense.

And then suddenly God revealed himself to me in a way I had never experienced.  He was present and real.

At age 24 I truly acknowledged what it meant to make  Christ  the Lord of my life.

It was the greatest revelation of the miraculous power of my God.  HE KNEW ME.  He had not forgotten about me – he had forgiven me.  He knit me together in my mother’s womb. He knew my inmost being. 

My precious husband and me

So my story in many ways is one of finding identity.  I still do not present well – I have TONS of baggage - in fact, I am convinced that I have the seed of every sin in my heart. Recently I have realized that I have viewed my life as the linear timeline in which I become more and more like Christ and  then I am “close” to God.  I could not be more wrong.  The more I know God – the more I realize the vast expanse of space between us - my 5989 miles of sin (probably much more) – and I am acutely aware of the gap His son has filled.  But it is done.   The gap is fill, the price is paid.

When I am fearful  - He protects me.  When I do not know where I am – He finds me.  When I speak differently – He understands me.  When I sin – He convicts me. When I cannot face the consequences – he encourages me.  When I am a terrible friend or a crabby wife – He loves me.  I am convinced He even laughs at my jokes.

I have found myself because I have found my TRUE love.

During the times I was lost, lonely, unidentified, abandoned, unable to forgive myself, this is the promise I clung to:

 Isaiah 54: 10-14

4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. 
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. 
You will forget the shame of your youth 
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. 


5 For your Maker is your husband— 
the LORD Almighty is his name— 
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, 
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” 
 says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, 
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,^[a^] 
your foundations with lapis lazuli.

12 I will make your battlements of rubies, 
your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. 


13 All your children will be taught by the LORD, 
 and great will be their peace. 


14 In righteousness you will be established.

Written By Katherine Lawrence.