The Honeymoon is over...and I couldn't be happier about it!

I surrendered my life to the Lord when I was 20 years old. He has had a grip on me since then and I haven't had one moment of questioning Him or being upset with Him...until recently.
It all started sub-conscientiously and I haven't been able to put my finger on it until now. I would open my bible and read a few sentences, only to shut it and put it down and turn on the TV to escape. I would hear scripture read out loud and I would realize tears were streaming down my face. I would hear certain songs and the same thing would happen. Either that, or I would get angry. Really only on the topics about his love for us, or his power to heal. People would pray for me to be healed, I would walk away still in pain, and I would go home in complete turmoil. I finally got to the point where I really didn't want people gathering around me to pray because the disappointment of walking away with no change was too painful.
I realized that in my head that I was asking God, begging God, to please heal my body and He was sitting in heaven, shaking his head no at me, being unmoved by my requests. It felt like a mean parent.
One day, I scared myself when I heard myself say, "well, if you're the kind of God who won't answer my cries, who won't heal my body, only because you want me to "draw closer" to you, then I don't want to have anything to do with you." It pains me to write this and it scared me to death because I also know that I can't live my life without Him. I know that a life without Him would be utterly hopeless and empty. I've been there too. For 20 years. I don't want to go back there.
So I was stuck. I felt terrified and scared because I could not force myself to spend time with Him. And on top of everything, I felt guilty for having these feelings.
Now I realize that God wasn't unmoved and shaking his head no at me, but He was whispering to me, "Mindy, I will heal you, but the time isn't now. It breaks my heart to see my children suffering, to see YOU suffering. I don't want to see you suffering, but it's part of living in a fallen world. It breaks my heart so much,  that I sent my son Jesus to die for all of my creation, so that you will suffer no more and so that you can spend eternity with me. I will not reveal the future of your days on earth to you, but I promise you this... I will never leave you or forsake you. I will always be here to comfort you and to give you the strength to carry on. I love you. I know what you need, and I will provide those needs for you. Come to me Mindy, come to me when you are tired and weary. I WILL give you rest. I promise. Just come to me Mindy, I am here. I am here."
I was thinking about it all to day and it struck me that's it's like a marriage. The honeymoon in my relationship with Jesus is over. We had our first fight. And it wasn't fun at all. I didn't understand, for the first time in 9 years, why He was allowing something so awful to happen to me. The thought of leaving him, because I was so hurt, crossed my mind. And it scared me to death. I knew I could not survive without him. So when I finally got to the place where I was truly able to hear his side of the story, I realized that His motives were pure. And that He never intended to hurt me.
Jason and I have had some arguments in our marriage, and it's not fun either. But when the dust settles, and we learn and grow from the hard times, the good times are that much sweeter. Our love for each other grows deeper and deeper and it's not based on the fleeting emotions of the romance you see in the movies. It's based on dirt, sweat, and tears. It's real. It's been tested. It's got car trips, sleepless nights, holidays, vacations, hospital stays, speeding tickets, different jobs, different homes, different cities, children, loss, wins, deaths, and so many other things in between the wedding day and now.
My parents just celebrated 30 years of being married. I know there is no way they would go back to day one because of all the things they have learned since then.
I don't want to go back to day one either. And I am so thankful to be in a relationship with a real, loving, father who wants me to engage with him. He wants me to be honest with Him about my fears, doubts, or heartaches. Just as He wants me to be real with Him about the good stuff. He isn't afraid of my questions. After all, He came in the form of a person also and experienced death and betrayal.  He cried out on the cross, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" There is nothing pretty about that. Suffering is hard. It's hurts, and none of us, in our human condition, want to endure it.
I think I am getting to the place though, where I am thankful for the things God is teaching me through the last 8 months. It's been hard. Really hard. But I truly am thankful for the things I am learning and for the ways I have changed.  I am thankful to be out of the "honeymoon season," and into the meaty part of our relationship. This is the real deal. This is  a tangible, honest, committed father that I know and love.
Thank you daddy,  Father in heaven.