In My Shoes

"In my shoes" is a weekly series that is updated every Thursday. I hope you enjoy the following post and that like me, you will learn more about a different walk of life, which will help you to love better! We love comments or likes and would love to have you follow this series with us. We have some amazing women and amazing topics to share. If you have something YOU would like to write about, please contact me!

Lydia Lee Sullivan died on March 2, 2009. She was my best friend. My partner in crime. My laughing buddy. Bryce’s number ONE girl. She was my mom. 


In September of 2008, my family moved from Houston to Helotes. Prior to that…we had lived no farther than 10 minutes from my mom. I saw her everyday and talked to her no less than 10 times a day. Leaving the comfort of living by my mommy was tough. I had always declared that I would “NEVER LEAVE HOUSTON!” no matter what! I loved it there and leaving was not an option. Plus…I just liked being close to my mom. When the opportunity came for our family to move…for some reason I jumped on it. God placed a very evident peace about the move on my heart. I just knew it was time for us to go. 


One month after we moved…my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. During this time, our brand new baby was in the hospital (you can read all about that on a previous post). I needed my mom so much. I was always able to depend on her. She helped me with EVERYTHING in my life…and honestly…I flat out didn’t know how to make a decision without her. Do not get me wrong… I didn’t always FOLLOW her advice…but I always needed to know what it was. This time I REALLY needed her, but she could not help me. She was in pain. She was bleeding and tired and on pain pills.

I was mad at her for being sick. How dare she get sick when I needed her the MOST! How could she allow this to happen right now? I was in denial. I told her the doctors were probably wrong. I would quietly (at night safe and cozy in our bed) admit to Justin that I knew my mom was going to die soon. I knew it was coming. But I was not going to believe it. More denial. 


My life around me was flourishing. I was meeting new friends that I connected with in a way that I had never connected with friends EVER. My church family was becoming a greater part of my life. My kids were being loved on by our community. My mothers “grasp” was loosening…and neither of us had anything to do with that.


God was preparing both of us for when she would go. He was teaching me that I could survive without her…he was teaching her that I could survive without her. 


I still talked to her 9868374 times a day. Except for on March 2, 2009. 


I had spent the day with my best friend. I shared so much with her that day. I told her of the agony I had to deal with concerning my moms two other children. I told her how sick my mom was. I told her how dependent I had always been on my mom. It felt so great to share with someone…and she just listened. 


That night…I was getting ready to crawl in bed with Justin when my phone rang. I had been trying to reach my mom for hours…I NEVER went to bed without saying goodnight to her. I was so annoyed when the phone finally rang…I mean…where had she been?! It was not her on the other end…it was a man. A stranger. He said he was Dr. blah blah calling me because Lydia Lee Sullivan had died of a heart attack. I didn’t even ask him any questions. I just hung up the phone…walked to my closet and began packing my suitcase. I stood there crying and asked Justin… “what do you wear to your moms funeral?”


The next few days were a blur. I was so so numb. The horrible things that my moms kids (they are from another marriage) said and did during this time are just too embarrassing to write. They did not help me plan the funeral at all. They had plenty of excuses of course. 


How do you pick out a casket for your mom? They are all stupid and ugly. They are all overpriced. I hated them. A cement box to put my mommy in…no thank you!!! A $5,000 hole in the ground for it? No thank you. Flowers? Who wants flowers at a funeral. Not me. Flowers are pretty…funerals are not. Sad music? No. Hate it. 


I cried and cried over the funeral. What would she have wanted? What would she want to wear? Why did they make her look like that? Why was she so puffy looking? Does she wear shoes? Would she like the way she looked? NO! NO! NO!


I begged and begged God to help me with this. And well…He did. He sent me the most amazing comfort…and I had her cremated. I knew that was not what she wanted…but God let me know that it was OK. He let me know that it really didn’t matter at all. He already had her safe and sound and all this other stuff was a big fat waste. 


I was so glad when it was over. I was so done hugging people I had not seen in years…I was done pretending like I had anything in common with half the people that were there. I was done pretending like it was OK for Justin and my dad (they were no longer married) to pay for it all. I wanted to go HOME. 


I wanted to go to the NEW home that I made with my family. Justin and Bryce and Brody…and ME. I wanted to be with the friends that God had put in my life…just at the right time. Home.


Through this my marriage grew and grew and grew. I had to be a grown up and share my life with my spouse…which is what I should have been doing in the first place.  My faith grew even more. I had to learn to listen to the Lord’s whispers…instead of checking with my mom.  I can now hear the Lord speaking to me and can see Him working in my life. I was too distracted before to know or hear.

Do I really feel that my mom died so that I could FULLY accept the Lord 100% into my life? So that my marriage could become the amazing-ness of what it is? So that I could be the mom and friend that I am? Yeah…I really do.  


I miss her more than anything. It has been almost exactly two years. It seems so much longer. She was so funny and sarcastic and silly. It is weird not to have a mom. Mothers Day is weird. Christmas is weird. Lots of things are just weird. I want to hug her and share my life with her. I want to tell her things and laugh with her. I really want to call her. 


I am not sure how you are “supposed” to grieve. My mom is really the first person that I have ever known to die. I made the choice that I would be happy. I woke up one day about 2 weeks after she died and said “ok life…lets move on!” 


It was hard to do that…I thought I should be sad longer…I thought people would think I was weird if I wasn’t crying everyday still. That is just not the truth. I am not some superwoman or a woman blessed with lots of strength. I begged the Lord for strength…and well…once again He provided. 


He provided in the most delightful little package of Braxton Lee McElhannon. He gave us a new life to celebrate. Brax did NOT replace my mom…but he reminded me of Gods great gifts. It reminded me of the BIG picture. Not just the little tiny picture we have here on earth. This is great…but its NOTHING compared to the party to come! 


My heart breaks when my boys have firsts and my mom is not here to share in the delight. I am hurt that she never even got to see the chubbiest baby that we had. I hate that she doesn’t get to hear Brody’s laugh, see Bryce ride his bike and squeeze Braxton’s cheeks. “She is watching over you” does not comfort me at all. I don’t want her to watch OVER me…I want her real life body to stand NEXT to me. But…it cant. I don’t think that will ever get easier. BUT…God has granted me the comfort to know that it is OK. It will be OK. IT IS REALLY OK! 


There is really just so much more to share about the amazing woman that my mom was. There is so much more to the story before her death and of what transpired after. But this is the meat of it…the important parts (well to me anyways). This is the way that I have found comfort in her not being here. This is how I really know that its OK. And I really really know it is….because God says so.  

Written by Misty McElhannon.