Matthew 5:8
Chapter four was a little in my face. I wasn't too excited about it at all the first time I read through it. However, I decided to stick to the course and do what was asked of me.
First I want to mention that I believe everyone's outcome of this chapter, and the book for that matter, would be very different from the next person. This was just my take on it.
The biggest "assignment" that chapter four involved was taking a personal inventory of my life, both the good and the bad. They recommend this little chart and I did it exactly how the book asked of me because quite frankly I didn't have any idea where to start if I were to do it any other way. I struggled with the whole idea because I know that every sin of mine is forgiven. I also know that I do not have to live chained down to the things of my past. Therefore, I hesitated to even go there in the slightest bit. But again, I followed the directions:). Immediately I realized that there are things in my past that although I have repented of, and I have asked for forgiveness, it still brought on feelings of shame and condemnation for me to think about some of the stuff. There are some things from my life "before Christ" that I realized still haunted me a little and that I would prefer for no-one else to ever know about. However, along comes with that a feeling of secrecy, and of potentially being found out and I don't think God wants me to live that way. I'm not going to hash out the details on here, but I did do so with my friend who is walking through this book with me. It was amazing.
Another component of the chart was to write in a section what the "effect" of said event was. As I looked over the "effect" section of my chart, the progression of things was astounding. I believe if I do not take away anything else from this chapter, this in and of itself was enormous. Most of my stuff is encompassed with broken relationships. In the beginning, the broken relationships caused me to be a little less vulnerable and a little less trustworthy. It progressed to things like "lack of emotions", "feeling alone, isolated, and weird", and "contempt towards emotions." Crazy. So at the bottom of my 3 page chart, when I got to silly little "offenses" that happened within the last few years, my responses to the broken relationships were all the way to the most desperate place instead of at the top where I was shaken up just a little and feeling a little less trustworthy.
Here is what is huge. I feel like God is showing me that His desire is to break down those walls and to restore my heart to a place of vulnerability and purity. He wants to heal me and bring me to a place where I can trust HIM with childlike faith that never waivers. My trust was never meant to be put solely in the relationships around me, but it was meant to be in Him. With my trust, foundation, and identity found completely in Him, I can withstand the risks that come with being in healthy, honest relationships with others.
Let me end with this. I allowed God to be in control of my life when I turned 20 years old. Had I not, my life would be completely different than it is now. My life is not perfect right now, but I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me so well, I have 3 precious kids, and most importantly, I know that I am a child of the king of the universe. I know I have a daddy in Heaven who loves me and who pursues me every single day. That is amazing and it gives me hope in this hard, hard world.
I fall short every day. I make mistakes every day and I get off track, but because God loves me so much, He always forgives me and pulls me back close to Him.
My parents are the only ones in my family heritage who are still married, and it is only by the grace of God. I have a long line of divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, and so forth in my family and I am certain that I would be right there in that lifestyle to this day had it not been for my mighty God who saved me. I had a huge hole in my heart that I was seeking every where for someone or something to fill, and thankfully God showed me that it was Him I was looking for before the damage I did to myself was irreversible. I don't care what your family tree looks like, or how far you feel like you are from the Lord, He is ready to forgive you and to comfort you. He is ready to equip you to move out of a life of desperation and into a life of hope. He did it for me. I am so thankful and I am so thankful for this chapter and for the reminder that I don't have to be ashamed of who I used to be or of the things I have done in my life. They are forgiven and what's equally amazing to me is that God is REDEEMING my past. He is taking the ugly parts of my life and making them into something beautiful, BUT He can only do that when I am honest enough with myself and with others to let those things be exposed and not hidden in a corner of my life.
Choice Four
Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
Choice One
Choice Two
Choice Three
The Crossing's website where you can find encouraging messages that enhance the journey of this book and healing journey:)
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